Memorials, Mickey & Moments
January 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, silver lining, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, family, gratitude, happy, Jake, Sawyer
This week was Sawyer’s yahrzeit, the anniversary of the Hebrew date he died. Evan and I lit a candle and said Kaddish (the prayer recited to honor the memory of those who have died). My mom recently emailed me an article titled “Memory is a Blessing” which discusses the prayer.
It is the responsibility of the Kaddish – the mourner – to keep alive the memory of the person who has died, to not forget and not to let others forget. . . .
Recite the prayer for him – yes – but also to remember – even if it hurts, even if it brings tears. To “be the Kaddish” is to be willing to talk about the person who has died, to tell stories and share memories even when it makes others uncomfortable.
During Sawyer’s yahrzeit, my parents so happened to take our family away on a vacation. I am so thankful to my parents for such a wonderful trip.
However, as a bereaved parent it feels wrong at times to have fun while also trying to grieve. I know that I am alive and Sawyer is not. It is complicated. I want to be happy and live with the twins while honoring Sawyer and Jake.
It is bittersweet.
Here is some of the sweetness:
And here is some more:
And although Sawyer and Jake were not physically there they have left us their own sweetness.
By love they are remembered, and in memory they live. . .
Even when they are gone, the departed are with us. . .
We remember them now; they live in our hearts. . .
Rabbi Hannah Orden
Perspective (part 2)
December 10, 2011 at 11:26 pm | Posted in Grief, why I write | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, family, life after loss
I did not know that my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George had 2 children predecease them until my aunt’s funeral in the summer of 2009. The rabbi spoke about Mitchell and a little girl. I had never heard about the baby girl. I asked my grandfather. He told me that the baby was born and only lived for a few days. My grandfather was almost 97 at the time and could not remember any more details. No one alive knew why the baby girl had died or if she had a name.
I thought back to my visit with Aunt Sophie right after Jake had died. It was 6 months after he had died and I felt like I was at rock bottom. I had asked her how she survived the death of her child. She was in her 90’s and responded to my question that she could not remember – it was all so long ago. I was asking about the death of Mitchell but I think she was actually referring to her baby girl.
Sawyer was born that fall and we named him after my Aunt Sophie. Sawyer died 6 weeks later and I cursed myself for ever thinking I had been at rock bottom. When I started to write this blog it was partly because I always want to remember. And, if there comes a day when I cannot remember I will have written it down so others can.
Perspective
December 4, 2011 at 11:52 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, mourning, parents | 7 CommentsTags: cancer, child loss, family, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective
We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.
– Talmud
As a child my parents explained that I was named in memory of my Great Aunt Edith while my brother was named in memory of my mother’s first cousin, Mitchell. In my mind I rationalized that my great-aunt (my grandmother’s sister) was older and her death was more understandable. Mitchell, on the other hand, died young. I could not make sense of this as a child. It was so terribly sad that Mitchell did not live past his teenage years. I thought about Mitchell’s living brother and how it must feel to be the sibling left behind.
After Jake died my perspective changed. I knew Mitchell’s death was of course sad for his brother, but I had never thought about how it impacted Mitchell’s parents, my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George. They took care of Mitchell. They had to watch him die from Leukemia. The helplessness they must have felt. The lost hopes and dreams. They were members of the bereaved parent’s club long before I was ever born.
I was very close to my Aunt Sophie (my grandfather’s younger sister). She and my Uncle George did not have grandchildren. Mitchell had died young and his brother was not yet married. I realized this at the age of 8 and decided that did not seem fair. My grandparents had 5 grandchildren. In my child’s mind I felt like there was something missing for my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.
My 8-year-old solution was to volunteer to be an “adopted grandchild” to my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George. First, I called my grandparents and asked them if it would be okay. They said yes. Next, I called my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George and they agreed as well. Finally, I drafted the “adoption papers.” It all seemed so simple at the time. Now as a bereaved parent myself I realize that there is nothing simple about the death of your child.
We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.
– Helen Keller
Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 