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So sad

March 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, mourning | 17 Comments
Tags: cancer, death, grief, hospice, mom

I have tried to write this post several times in the last week. I cannot seem to find the words but I am going to try.

Evan’s mother lost her battle with cancer. I was very lucky to have her as a mother-in-law.

She was an amazing artist.

She was an amazing business woman.

She was an amazing athlete. In one 9 month period, right after chemo for the cancer which had returned to her bones, she had 3 holes in one.

And most importantly, she was an amazing mother, grandmother, wife, sister and friend. I am so sad that she died.

A few weeks ago Evan and I were talking. He told me that in a perfect world his mom would be healthy, happy and teaching art to all 4 of our children. Here she is playing with the twins last summer:

I like to think that Evan’s mom is now with Jake and Sawyer. Maybe, just maybe she is teaching art to them as I write.

Rainbows, Rite Aid & Readjusting

March 1, 2011 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 8 Comments
Tags: cancer, grief, hospice, mom

It takes both the sun and the rain to make a beautiful rainbow.

These last few days it is difficult to see the sun. As I mentioned in this post, we are spending time with Evan’s mom. The good moments are fewer and farther apart. I know that life has sun and rain. I so wish I could write more about sunny times. Even through the rain the twins can find the sun. Here they are at Rite Aid:

The twins can also scout out the rainbows.

They spent a long time searching for rainbows in these crystal figurines. Turns out flashlights combined with just the right amount of sunlight produce a lot of rainbows.

The oil slick in the parking lot of Rite Aid. I could have debated it is not truly a rainbow but pollution. I did not because I have learned that I usually lose those kind of debates with our 3 1/2 year-olds.

The rainbow glasses at Mom Mom and Pop Pop’s house.

I have always hoped for miracles.

After Jake was born at 26 weeks with hydrops, I hoped he would be among the 30% of babies who survive these enormous obstacles. There was no miracle.

The horrible night we brought Sawyer to the emergency room, I hoped for the miracle that it would all be an awful mistake. There was no miracle.

I now know that there will be no miracle that will give Evan’s mom back the life she had. It is time for me to readjust what I am hoping for.

More Magic Moments

February 24, 2011 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mother, silver lining | 15 Comments
Tags: cancer, grief, hospice, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer

As I wrote in this post, I try to appreciate good moments. For the past 2 weeks Evan, the twins and I have been at Evan’s mother’s house. My amazing mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer 18 years ago. She was on a form of oral chemo through the spring of 2003. At that time the cancer came back in her bones. Since 2005 she has had chemo 3 weeks on and 1 week off. She had beaten all the odds until this year.

We are here spending time with her. It is not easy but worth it. Every day there are some good moments. A rabbi has been coming to the house. She explained a Hebrew term called “yikar.” There is no exact translation but it means “treasure” or “gem.” I try to etch these moments into my memory so that I will always have them.

I cannot help but think of precious moments we had with Jake and Sawyer. All of Jake’s time with us was in the NICU but there were some good moments. The days when Jake was doing well and reducing his reliance on the ventilators. The day that I was able to change Jake’s diaper for the first (and only) time. I always smile when I think of the one and only time Evan changed Jake. Jake peed on his dad.

We were lucky enough to have more magic moments with Sawyer. Among my favorites are bringing him home from the hospital and introducing him to the twins. Evan’s mom was not able to meet Sawyer. The weekend that they were supposed to visit was the weekend that the twins got sick. Her immune system was compromised and we could not take a chance that the twins would get her sick. The trip was postponed. Sawyer died before they were able to visit.

One day last week it was unseasonably warm. Evan’s mom was able to sit on the back deck. She was able to visit with some friends. The twins played in the snow and mud. I will try to focus on the yikar – the treasured moments that we are able to capture.