February 12, 2012 at 9:02 pm | Posted in Grief, hydrops, hydrops fetalis, venting | 13 Comments
Tags: , , ,

I have been going to the same primary care doctor for forever. I am not sure how many years forever is, but I know it predates my new normal.  The doctor who I usually saw retired before I had Jake. There have been so many other doctors in my life. Obstetricians, perinatologists, infertility specialists, therapists, pediatricians, cardiologists, pathologists, I could go on and on but you get the point. I have only gone to my primary doctor’s office a few times over the past several years. After the doctor I liked retired I would just go to whoever in the group could see me. Starting over with new doctors since Jake and Sawyer have died is emotional and complicated. Explaining my medical history feels extremely daunting.

I never considered switching until yesterday.  Yesterday I saw a doctor I will call “Dr. H.”  His office walls were covered with articles about his medical expertise along with framed awards and diplomas.  I made the appointment because despite my best efforts, I cannot seem to get rid of a persistent cough.  All I really wanted from Dr. H was a prescription.

As he looked into his computer at my file he seemed to be reading my history.  The subject of Jake and Sawyer came up.  Dr. H asked about depression and if my husband and I had looked into therapy.  I responded “I have got depression and therapy covered, thanks.”

Dr. H went on to comment about Jake.  “Ahh, seems that it was failure for nature to correct itself.”

I stared blankly at Dr. H, took my prescription and left. I now wish I had said something back to him but my mind could not process what he said till it was too late.  If nothing else, I should have responded with Ann Taintor’s perfect quote “Funny. . .I don’t recall asking for your opinion”.

As I walked out of the office I looked again at the diplomas on the wall.  Too bad Dr. H never took a compassion 101 course.

The Good News & the Bad News

January 14, 2012 at 9:22 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, normal?, venting | 11 Comments
Tags: , , , , ,

I got a call the other day from the very kind woman who works at the cemetery.  She asked me if I wanted to hear the good news or the bad news first.  I feel like any calls from the cemetery are bad news but I went ahead and answered, “The good news.”  I know it does not always seem like it but I still try to be an optimist.

“The good news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived.”  I did not need for her to tell me the bad news.  I could figure out for myself that the bad news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived and it is wrong.   She had already begun to tell me that the headstone has already been sent back and they will let us know any updates.

I do not know what one is supposed to do when their sons’ headstones keep coming in wrong.  Do you complain to the customer service department?  Do you write to the better business bureau?  What exactly are the options here? 

Ultimately, I do not know when but I do know that eventually Sawyer’s headstone will be correct.  He is not going anywhere so there is no rush.  He will still be dead no matter what is on his headstone.  I just wish he was with us and there was no need for a headstone at all.

Irked & Irritated

November 30, 2011 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Love, venting | 6 Comments
Tags: , , ,

I wrote about this last month. After doing some research it seems that there are only 2 big companies who make grave markers. I am not sure why this matters because at this point I cannot imagine grave marker shopping but I like to have the information. Information gives me a sense that I have some sort of control. And I clearly do not.

Tomorrow it will be December.  We made the decision to order Sawyer’s headstone in August.  We started the process.  Evan has been sending the emails about the proof.  He copies me.  The proof has Sawyer’s name, date of birth, date of death and 4 short lines of text.  It is frightening that the grave marker editors cannot get this right.

My heart always starts to race when I see the email with the Subject: FW: D 7010691 PONTZ, SAWYER .  In some crazy recess of my brain I think that the email is going to explain to me why he died or better yet that he did not die at all.  The majority of my brain knows that this is just another email about the wording on Sawyer’s headstone.

I know in many ways I am obsessing about the emails from the pathologist and the headstone.  I am just grasping onto the little bits of Sawyer which can still be part of my day-to-day life.

« Previous Page

Blog at
Entries and comments feeds.