Exhaustion
December 12, 2010 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, twins
At the beginning of December last year a series of unrelated events began to happen at our house. First, one of the twins had a crazy reaction to his H1N1 booster. It was like there was a big red ring around his arm. I took him to our pediatrician (and friend). We got a referral to an allergist.
Second, Sawyer continued to have congestion. We were told when he was released from the NICU that he still had extra fluid and that he might have some congestion. So, we tried not to worry about it too much. One set of my in-laws came to visit and meet Mr. Sawyer that first week of December, 2009. Evan took Sawyer to the pediatrician at the end of that week. The pediatrician said that Sawyer was congested but it was very normal for a newborn to have extra fluid or possibly a cold. We had been putting saline drops in his nose a few times a day and that seemed to clear up the congestion. The pediatrician said to continue the saline and Sawyer would be fine.
Third, was the croup. The twin without the reaction to the H1N1 shot started to cough like a seal. I had never heard of croup but quickly found out about it when I took her to the pediatrician. She had to have breathing treatments but did not have to be hospitalized. The twins, who had been sleeping through the night (for the most part) for over a year, were now up quite a bit.
Sawyer was over 8 lbs. and he would go at least 3 hours between feedings. However, between the feedings, the twins and life in general exhaustion began to set in. I knew that lack of sleep was common with a newborn. I also believed that we would find some balance in our lives which would involve more sleep.
As I wrote about in this post, time can be tricky. Someone told me the following:
Nights with a baby can be long but the days go by very quickly.
We had no idea just how quickly our days with Sawyer would go. Despite being tired, our days with Sawyer were much brighter and I am so very grateful for every one of them.
Life with Sawyer
December 8, 2010 at 11:38 pm | Posted in silver lining, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, newborn
Once Sawyer was home from the hospital the twins were fascinated him. Meanwhile, Evan and I tried to figure out how to manage life with a newborn and 2 1/2-year-old twins. 
The moment Sawyer cried one of them would run to get his pacifier. The twins would always make sure that he was covered with at least a blanket if not other things. . .

A very wise and close friend advised me and Evan that at our wedding we should stop every once in a while and just enjoy the moment. I thought our wedding would go by very quickly and it did. I did not think that our time with Sawyer would be so quick. I wish I had stopped to just enjoy more moments with Sawyer.
Home from the hospital
December 1, 2010 at 4:04 pm | Posted in silver lining, transient tachypnea, twins | 6 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief
The rest of our stay in the hospital was uneventful. Sawyer stayed in the room with us. He and I both got checked out every day. The doctors and nurses reassured us that transient tachypnea was common in c-section babies and that Sawyer was healthy. In fact, I asked anyone who walked into my room about transient tachypnea. If the person I was asking had heard of it before the answer was the same. It is not life threatening. It is common. Sawyer would be fine.
We were both released to go home on that Saturday. My parents had been staying with the twins. I had never been away from them for so long. I could not wait to get home and introduce Sawyer to his big brother and big sister.
Once we were home I had allowed myself to enter back into the land of believing that everything would be ok. Sawyer was perfect. He was a full term baby. He had been released from the NICU. He was fine.
A certain innocence was lost after Jake’s diagnosis and death. The belief that I had that I would get married, have children and live happily ever after was shattered. I can’t say exactly when but some time after Jake’s death I began to have hope again. I hoped for days that were not so dark. I hoped for more children. Again, it did not take the path I thought it would but I did get pregnant with the twins and with Sawyer.
I had convinced myself that if babies were not premature that they would live long happy lives. I let myself hope and believe that we would raise Sawyer. I had the false sense of security that Sawyer would lead a long happy life. I let my guard down. I let myself believe that we could not possibly bury another child. Life could not be that cruel – could it?
Time can be Tricky
November 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 6 CommentsOne of the 40 definitions of time according to Webster’s dictionary is ” a moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar.”
Time can be a very tricky thing. I clearly remember periods of my life when I wanted to rush time. When I was 15 I could hardly wait to turn 16 so that I could get my driver’s license. Last year at this time I again, wanted time to move quickly. I could not wait to meet our new baby.
Now all I want is for time to stop. I do not want Sawyer’s first birthday to arrive. There will not be a first birthday party this weekend or next. We are not ordering a cake to place in front of Sawyer to see what he will do with it. We are just further in time from when I last held him in my arms. I hope to always remember that feeling but time is constantly making it more distant. The sound of his cry is slowly becoming a memory.
Daylight saving time gave us one extra hour before Sawyer’s birthday. However, one more hour will not help for long. I know that time will move on and it will be next week before I know it.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. – Author Unknown
I believe that I will see Sawyer and Jake one day (although as I wrote about in this post I am not always clear on my religious beliefs since Sawyer died). I do not know for sure but perhaps time is taking me closer to when I will hold Jake and Sawyer again. One thing I do know for certain is that there is no better way to spend time than with the twins and their dad.
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