Time Traveler
March 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: dark days, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, unexplainable
I wish I could go back to this moment:
I sometimes do feel like I should be able to beam myself back to the fall of 2009. If I could just hold Sawyer one more moment. Kiss his sweet cheeks. Perhaps all the allergy medicine I have been taking has made me loopy. Or, maybe it is because I just finished the Time Traveler’s Wife. I pray every night that Sawyer will visit me in my dreams. He has not in quite a while. I wake up every morning knowing that I am still here in 2012 and this is our reality:
Planning
February 10, 2012 at 8:46 am | Posted in Cemetery, Death, Grief, life after loss, parents, traditions | 7 CommentsThe day has arrived, as I knew it would – Sawyer’s headstone is here. And it is 100% correct. Although I will never think that it is right that we have 2 headstones for our children in the first place.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” – Tom Clancy
Evan met me at the cemetery and we discussed what we should do next. Planning an unveiling is not going to be on anyone’s top 10 fun things to do list – but we are going to give it a try. I want so badly to be planning a play date for Sawyer – not this. I know that we do not have to do it. There are no rules saying that we must have an unveiling.
I know in my gut that I will regret it if we do not have the unveiling. We will not plan birthday parties, play dates, gym classes, summer camps – the list is so very long of the things we will not plan and do for Sawyer. This we can do.
When you look back on your life, you’ll regret the things
you didn’t do more than the ones you did. -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Where are Sawyer & Jake?
January 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, traditions | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, Jewish customs, life after loss, what happens after we die?
I do not know exactly what I believe happens to us after we die. I like to think that Jake and Sawyer are with me where ever I go. Perhaps they are with Evan, the twins and others as well. Are they angels?
According to the free dictionary one definition of an angel is “a typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam. . .”. Every religion seems to offer a different view on what happens after we die.
I go to the cemetery to “visit” Jake and Sawyer. I know that they are not really there. It is just their physical remains which are buried in that plot. I do not like to think about that part – especially in the cold weather. Cremation would have solved that issue for me but at the time I was so numb and just went through the motions of a Jewish burial.
Like so many of my questions about Jake and Sawyer, this one will be unanswered. I have made up my own answer. Jake and Sawyer are in our hearts. I hope that if they are actually somewhere else that they are safe, happy and know how much they are loved. I will always look for them in my dreams.
The Good News & the Bad News
January 14, 2012 at 9:22 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, normal?, venting | 11 CommentsTags: BS, child loss, headstone, new not so normal, Sad, unexplainable
I got a call the other day from the very kind woman who works at the cemetery. She asked me if I wanted to hear the good news or the bad news first. I feel like any calls from the cemetery are bad news but I went ahead and answered, “The good news.” I know it does not always seem like it but I still try to be an optimist.
“The good news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived.” I did not need for her to tell me the bad news. I could figure out for myself that the bad news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived and it is wrong. She had already begun to tell me that the headstone has already been sent back and they will let us know any updates.
I do not know what one is supposed to do when their sons’ headstones keep coming in wrong. Do you complain to the customer service department? Do you write to the better business bureau? What exactly are the options here?
Ultimately, I do not know when but I do know that eventually Sawyer’s headstone will be correct. He is not going anywhere so there is no rush. He will still be dead no matter what is on his headstone. I just wish he was with us and there was no need for a headstone at all.
Irked & Irritated
November 30, 2011 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Love, venting | 6 CommentsTags: BS, child loss, life after loss, Sad
I wrote about this last month. After doing some research it seems that there are only 2 big companies who make grave markers. I am not sure why this matters because at this point I cannot imagine grave marker shopping but I like to have the information. Information gives me a sense that I have some sort of control. And I clearly do not.
Tomorrow it will be December. We made the decision to order Sawyer’s headstone in August. We started the process. Evan has been sending the emails about the proof. He copies me. The proof has Sawyer’s name, date of birth, date of death and 4 short lines of text. It is frightening that the grave marker editors cannot get this right.
My heart always starts to race when I see the email with the Subject: FW: D 7010691 PONTZ, SAWYER . In some crazy recess of my brain I think that the email is going to explain to me why he died or better yet that he did not die at all. The majority of my brain knows that this is just another email about the wording on Sawyer’s headstone.
I know in many ways I am obsessing about the emails from the pathologist and the headstone. I am just grasping onto the little bits of Sawyer which can still be part of my day-to-day life.
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A Mourning Mom 