Sawyer’s Story (part 5): Craziness on Christmas Day 2009

January 8, 2011 at 12:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 9 Comments
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As I wrote here, the twins were sick.  We were all home.  We were going stir crazy.  On Christmas Day the JCC had a Family Fun Day (this is what Jewish kids do on Christmas before they are taught to go out for Chinese food and a movie).  Evan and I decided it would be in everyone’s best interest if I took the twins.  I planned to meet some friends.  There were a few problems with my plan:

  1. I did not purchase tickets in advance.  So, I had to wait in line to buy tickets.  The twins have very little no patience.  They would not wait in line.  They ran into the Children’s Museum area of the JCC and would not leave. 
  2. Two hours later I realized, I needed to start wrapping things up so I could go home and feed Sawyer. 
  3. One twin proceeded to behave completely inappropriately in public while the other twin had a near blow out of his diaper.
  4. I needed to get us all to the bathroom asap.  Neither of the twins would go willingly.
  5. I had to drag them kicking and screaming to the bathroom.
  6. Finally, I wrestled one down long enough to change the diaper.  Blow out averted.

Next plan was to go home before I exploded (as I mentioned in #2 – I needed to feed Sawyer or pump or do something soon).  Next obstacle – the twins did not want to leave.  Once again I had to drag them kicking and screaming towards the exit.  My post C-section body was no match for the 2 1/2 year-old twins.  I somehow got them out to the parking lot and just started crying.  Neither of the twins would walk.  The car was parked way far away.  Two separate women who I don’t know stopped to ask if I needed help.  If either of these women are by any chance reading this I want to tell them “thank you and I should have taken you up on your offer.”

I still am not sure how but I got the twins into the car.  Before strapping them into their car seats I called Evan.  Through my tears I told him that I was driving home with the twins and passing them off.  And, I did.  Evan met me in the garage holding Sawyer.  I took Sawyer and went to feed him. 

Evan worked some sort of magic and got the twins down for a nap.  Then he and Sawyer decided to take a nap too.  I was still recovering from my big morning out with the twins but I was so excited that the night nurse was coming that night.   I knew I would be able to sleep soon enough.  So, while everyone was sleeping I did laundry, dishes, wrote thank you notes and took this picture.  I did not know then that it would be the last picture taken of Sawyer. 

 

Sawyer’s Story (part 4): Nights

December 24, 2010 at 9:24 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 5 Comments
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Sawyer was such a good baby.  He was 8 lbs. 1 oz. at birth so he could go 3 hours between feedings almost immediately.  He had started to go 4 hours between feedings when he was 4 weeks old.  Sawyer did get up in the middle of the night like most other newborns.  Sawyer slept in a bassinet in our room.  He would cry and I would get up.  I would feed and change him.  Evan would often help with changing Sawyer and then bring him to me to feed.  Unlike with the twins, there was no other baby on deck waiting to be changed or fed.  It was just Sawyer. 

I know I was not always super excited getting up in the middle of the night with Sawyer.  I was tired.  I was cold.  I had night sweats and would wake up soaking.  I would quickly change before feeding Sawyer.  After Sawyer died, I still had the nights sweats.  I would still wake up soaking.  I still thought I heard his cries but they were mine.

As I left off in this post, Evan and I were trying to figure out options that would allow us to get some more sleep.  We had a night nurse with the twins.  We were very lucky when the twins were born my grandfather and one set of Evan’s parents gave us the gift of having a night nurse.  It did not even cross our minds to consider having a night nurse with Sawyer.  After twins we felt like we could handle one newborn with no problems.  And we did.  Until the twins got sick and were getting up along with Sawyer.

Evan came up with the brilliant idea to call one of the night nurses who helped us with the twins.  The one we called is very good and always very booked.  I figured that she might have an available night in February.  However, when I called she had a free night that week!  She wanted to work either Christmas Eve or Christmas night. 

We are Jewish and she is not.  I thought it might be better if she came Christmas night.  I did not want her to work Christmas Eve and then have to sleep Christmas day.  She said that she was always done with her family Christmas dinner by 8 pm.  We agreed she would come to our house between 10:00 pm and 10:30 pm on Christmas night.  Evan and I were so excited that sleep seemed to be in our future.

Exhaustion

December 12, 2010 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 2 Comments
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At the beginning of December last year a series of unrelated events began to happen at our house.  First, one of the twins had a crazy reaction to his H1N1 booster.   It was like there was a big red ring around his arm.  I took him to our pediatrician (and friend).  We got a referral to an allergist.

Second, Sawyer continued to have congestion.  We were told when he was released from the NICU that he still had extra fluid and that he might have some congestion.  So, we tried not to worry about it too much.  One set of my in-laws came to visit and meet Mr. Sawyer that first week of December, 2009.  Evan took Sawyer to the pediatrician at the end of that week.  The pediatrician said that Sawyer was congested but it was very normal for a newborn to have extra fluid or possibly a cold.  We had been putting saline drops in his nose a few times a day and that seemed to clear up the congestion.  The pediatrician said to continue the saline and Sawyer would be fine. 

Third, was the croup.  The twin without the reaction to the H1N1 shot started to cough like a seal.  I had never heard of croup but quickly found out about it when I took her to the pediatrician.  She had to have breathing treatments but did not have to be hospitalized.  The twins, who had been sleeping through the night (for the most part) for over a year, were now up quite a bit.

Sawyer was over 8 lbs. and he would go at least 3 hours between feedings.  However, between the feedings, the twins and life in general exhaustion began to set in.  I knew that lack of sleep was common with a newborn.  I also believed that we would find some balance in our lives which would involve more sleep.

As I wrote about in this post, time can be tricky.  Someone told me the following: 

Nights with a baby can be long but the days go by very quickly.  

We had no idea just how quickly our days with Sawyer would go.  Despite being tired, our days with Sawyer were much brighter and I am so very grateful for every one of them.

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