11 Months

October 18, 2010 at 3:10 pm | Posted in mourning, silver lining, traditions | 10 Comments

Yesterday we should have been taking 11 month pictures of Sawyer.   A very close and clever friend told me about taking pictures of her son with a sign of his age.   She said it makes it easier to go back and put the pictures in a scrapbook.   Well, I have yet to make any scrapbooks but I did borrow her idea and take the pictures.  

Every month I would print a sign.  We would put the twins in pottery barn chairs from their great grandparents.  One of us would sing head, shoulders, knees and toes and the other one would snap as many pictures as possible.   Hopefully, we would get both twins looking at the camera and/or smiles.   For example: 

Smiles, sort of looking at the camera

Both looking at the camera, no smiles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day after taking the pictures I would email them to family and friends. Jake only lived 2 weeks so we were not able to take any month pictures. On December 17th, 2009 we did take 1 month pictures of Sawyer. We improvised and used one of the twins’ chairs with a Sawyer towel over the name. Sawyer’s pottery barn chair arrived in the mail the week after he passed away. Here is one of those pictures.

Sawyer - 1 month

Today, the day I should be sending out Sawyer’s 11 month pictures, I  am instead emailing this blog.  And, the twins’ 11 month picture:

1 smiling & looking at camera; both - haircuts

Faith & Hope

October 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm | Posted in silver lining, traditions | 10 Comments

Before I write today’s post I want to amend part of this post with two items. 

1.  The comments from my cousin David and The Good Cook are true.   The ending to our story is not tragic.   There is faith and hope.   There are possibilities for today and for the future.  Forgive me, some days I just have trouble remembering these things.

2.  After the balloon launch the twins asked to go see Sawyer and Jake at the cemetery.  They wanted to make sure that their brothers got the balloons. . .

Now back to today’s post –  At 7 pm tonight we will light candles.   As part of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month parents will light candles in honor of their babies.   The candles we will light tonight are hand-made.  Tara and Megan, the co-founders of the Walk to Remember in which we participate, make the candles.   Very impressive and thank you again for all you both do.

Today I will try extra hard to remember faith and hope. 

“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen:  There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”   – Author Unknown (borrowed from the Walk to Remember program)

Maybe the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter. 

And, as I do every day I will remember all of those no longer physically with us.  

Jake

Sawyer

October

October 13, 2010 at 5:00 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents, pregnancy, silver lining, traditions | 15 Comments

Many of you know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.   What you might not know is that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.  In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.

In October of 1988 I was a freshman in college.   Not only did not know about this proclamation or personally know any bereaved parents, I could not have envisioned in a million years that one day I would be a bereaved parent who would bury two children.

This past weekend we participated in a Walk to Remember.  Across the country thousands (maybe millions) of families walked to remember their little loved ones.   Thank you so much to  the organizers of our walk – Tara, Megan and Aimee.

Evan and I have walked since 2006 in memory of Jake.  Now we walk for Sawyer too.   The event starts with a few speeches.  I am always in awe (and in tears) during these speeches given by bereaved parents.   The stories are all unique in many ways but also the same.     They all have the same tragic ending.

This year I looked around the crowd.  So many families.   So many babies who are no longer with us.   So much heart-break, sadness and loss.   We, along with the other families at the walk last weekend, have the “fear of the unknown. . .behind us, for most of us, because we have already taken a long look at hell.” The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff

After the speeches there is a very short walk.   Note:  Just to clarify this year and last year we did not actually walk.   One of the twins had an accident requiring a two adult clean up right before the walking part of the event this year and last year. 

The twins writing to Sawyer and Jake

The last part of the event is a balloon launch.   We all write notes to our babies on butterfly shaped paper.  This year the twins had a big discussion about what to write on their notes.   We are not exactly sure about the topics covered in the discussion but they both completed their notes to their brothers.   We then had to explain to the twins that we needed to attach the notes to the balloon strings.   Attaching the notes to the balloons was ok with the twins.   The next part, letting go of the balloons, took some convincing.    Evan and I have gone to great lengths to emphasize the importance of holding onto balloons.   We were sending very mixed parenting signals.   However, we finally were able to pry their little hands off of the balloon strings.    And the notes were lovingly sent to Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies we remember.

Back to work

September 28, 2010 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 7 Comments

In late September of 2005 my maternity leave came to an end.  As I mentioned here and there, maternity leave without a baby at home is no picnic.   Turns out, going back to work had challenges as well. 

When I went into labor with Jake I was working as a consultant.  When I went back to work not everyone knew what happened.  Acquaintances who passed me in the halls saw me 26 weeks pregnant in August.   At the end of September I was back at work.   A very natural question upon seeing me for the first time would be “how is the baby?”.  I had thought of this and had been rehearsing my responses in my head.

As much as I knew the questions would be asked and as much as I had rehearsed my responses, I was not prepared.   “Did you have a boy or a girl?”   The pit in my stomach grew and tears welled up in my eyes but I spoke.   “We had a boy – his name was Jake.  He passed away when he was 2 weeks old.”   Then, I ran to the bathroom, went into a stall and cried.  

There is only one thing worse than speaking ill of the dead –

and that is not speaking of the dead at all.

                              — Anonymous

I had decided that I would always speak about Jake.   It might be hard for the person asking the question but I needed (and need) to talk about him.   Now, I need to speak about Jake and Sawyer.

So, in late winter of this year I was jogging.  I saw in the distance a neighbor who I had not seen since Sawyer was born and died.   I thought of turning around and going down another street but decided to take my chances.   I smiled, said hello and tried to speed up.   Behind me I heard her ask, “How is the baby?  Are you getting any sleep with the three kids?”.   I knew I had no choice but to stop and answer her.   I spoke – I am not even sure what I said but I know that I answered.  

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.  

                                            – – – Author Unknown

The past, the future & the present

September 3, 2010 at 10:37 pm | Posted in silver lining | 12 Comments

I have been writing a lot about the past.   Here in 2010 some days it feels like Jake and Sawyer passed away just yesterday.   Oddly, on other days it seems like it was forever ago that I last saw them both.   I try to “be present.”  “Remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present”  is a phrase I often repeat to myself.  I can’t remember where I read it or who told me the phrase – I would credit them if I could.  It is pretty hard to stay present all the time.  Have you tried it?

Life throws us all curve balls – death, divorce, infertility, unemployment, miscarriages, sickness (I could go on but you probably get the point).   All of these events cause us to be sad and grieve.   We all grieve in different ways.   If there was a Life 101 class in college on how to handle these events, I unfortunately missed it.  At first, I was looking for the steps to get through the grief (similar to AA’s 12 step plan).   I quickly found out that there are no steps and no plan.   Everyone has to find their own way through the grief.   It is very difficult at times and some days seems impossible.  A few things that help me on really bad days:

  1. I try to remind myself that I am not alone (although I often feel like I am)
  2. A very wise friend once suggested to me that I just try to find one thing I like to do every day and do it.   It does not matter how small the thing is – it could even be taking a shower. . .
  3. Exercise
  4. And, I do remember the past but I try to think back to not only the painful and difficult times but also to the really good moments . . .

Me & Sawyer

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