Back to work

September 28, 2010 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 7 Comments

In late September of 2005 my maternity leave came to an end.  As I mentioned here and there, maternity leave without a baby at home is no picnic.   Turns out, going back to work had challenges as well. 

When I went into labor with Jake I was working as a consultant.  When I went back to work not everyone knew what happened.  Acquaintances who passed me in the halls saw me 26 weeks pregnant in August.   At the end of September I was back at work.   A very natural question upon seeing me for the first time would be “how is the baby?”.  I had thought of this and had been rehearsing my responses in my head.

As much as I knew the questions would be asked and as much as I had rehearsed my responses, I was not prepared.   “Did you have a boy or a girl?”   The pit in my stomach grew and tears welled up in my eyes but I spoke.   “We had a boy – his name was Jake.  He passed away when he was 2 weeks old.”   Then, I ran to the bathroom, went into a stall and cried.  

There is only one thing worse than speaking ill of the dead –

and that is not speaking of the dead at all.

                              — Anonymous

I had decided that I would always speak about Jake.   It might be hard for the person asking the question but I needed (and need) to talk about him.   Now, I need to speak about Jake and Sawyer.

So, in late winter of this year I was jogging.  I saw in the distance a neighbor who I had not seen since Sawyer was born and died.   I thought of turning around and going down another street but decided to take my chances.   I smiled, said hello and tried to speed up.   Behind me I heard her ask, “How is the baby?  Are you getting any sleep with the three kids?”.   I knew I had no choice but to stop and answer her.   I spoke – I am not even sure what I said but I know that I answered.  

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.  

                                            – – – Author Unknown

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7 Comments »

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  1. Yes, I agree. Please talk to me about him. I need to talk. And I need to listen to you speak of him.

    thank you for the beautiful quotes. I am going to copy them down and post them myself on my Daily Strength page. Here is one for you:

    “there are no goodbyes for us. where ever you are, you will forever be in my heart”

  2. Thank you for posting this reminder to continue speaking about all of your children. The quotes are beautiful as well. Love you-

  3. Lanie, those are great quotes. Thank you for sharing them.
    Yes, coming across people who don’t know was really, really difficult. Finding the words…

  4. I’m glad that you have always spoken of all four of your children.

  5. Lanie

    I so agree that hearing and speaking about those we have lost is important. One of the main reasons I am involved with the March of Dimes is that it gives me a platform in which I am oftentimes able to discuss our sweet Dylan. Its very therapeutic for me. I love reading your blogs. Thank you!

  6. Beautiful post Lanie.

  7. hi….i lost my baby boy 2 yrs back and recently had a baby girl. I was also a consultant and the questions and your feelings hit home. My heart goes out to you for your second son…

    I JUST put up a picture of Azlan and i use evry opportunit possible to mention him now. People are NOW beginning to ealize that i will not forget him and don’t want him forgotten by others just because he has a sister now….

    Love and strength to you….


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