October

October 13, 2010 at 5:00 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents, pregnancy, silver lining, traditions | 15 Comments

Many of you know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.   What you might not know is that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.  In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.

In October of 1988 I was a freshman in college.   Not only did not know about this proclamation or personally know any bereaved parents, I could not have envisioned in a million years that one day I would be a bereaved parent who would bury two children.

This past weekend we participated in a Walk to Remember.  Across the country thousands (maybe millions) of families walked to remember their little loved ones.   Thank you so much to  the organizers of our walk – Tara, Megan and Aimee.

Evan and I have walked since 2006 in memory of Jake.  Now we walk for Sawyer too.   The event starts with a few speeches.  I am always in awe (and in tears) during these speeches given by bereaved parents.   The stories are all unique in many ways but also the same.     They all have the same tragic ending.

This year I looked around the crowd.  So many families.   So many babies who are no longer with us.   So much heart-break, sadness and loss.   We, along with the other families at the walk last weekend, have the “fear of the unknown. . .behind us, for most of us, because we have already taken a long look at hell.” The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff

After the speeches there is a very short walk.   Note:  Just to clarify this year and last year we did not actually walk.   One of the twins had an accident requiring a two adult clean up right before the walking part of the event this year and last year. 

The twins writing to Sawyer and Jake

The last part of the event is a balloon launch.   We all write notes to our babies on butterfly shaped paper.  This year the twins had a big discussion about what to write on their notes.   We are not exactly sure about the topics covered in the discussion but they both completed their notes to their brothers.   We then had to explain to the twins that we needed to attach the notes to the balloon strings.   Attaching the notes to the balloons was ok with the twins.   The next part, letting go of the balloons, took some convincing.    Evan and I have gone to great lengths to emphasize the importance of holding onto balloons.   We were sending very mixed parenting signals.   However, we finally were able to pry their little hands off of the balloon strings.    And the notes were lovingly sent to Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies we remember.

People & Planning

October 10, 2010 at 11:20 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 6 Comments

A very wise man, my 98-year-old grandfather, has told me for years that “mentsch tracht, Gott lacht.”   For those of you (like me) who don’t speak yiddish this means “men make plans and G-d laughs.”  I have updated the saying just a little to “people make plans and G-d laughs.” 

Historically, I have been a planner.   I could write on and on about plans I have made and how somewhere my plans are the source of a lot of laughter.   Instead of boring you with all the broken plans, I will just give a few examples.

I had always planned/hoped to be a mother.   As you have read that plan did not go exactly as I had envisioned.   I have learned some very hard lessons about planning.   I have learned to make plans and then change them and then change them again.     

Another example, this blog.   I had planned to write in chronological order about Jake, the twins and then Sawyer.   That plan went out the window with this post.  And, I continue to interrupt myself.   Thank you all who are following me on this journey.   Turns out it is not such a straight path. 

So, today I am making a new plan.   My new plan is not to have a plan.

Back to work

September 28, 2010 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 7 Comments

In late September of 2005 my maternity leave came to an end.  As I mentioned here and there, maternity leave without a baby at home is no picnic.   Turns out, going back to work had challenges as well. 

When I went into labor with Jake I was working as a consultant.  When I went back to work not everyone knew what happened.  Acquaintances who passed me in the halls saw me 26 weeks pregnant in August.   At the end of September I was back at work.   A very natural question upon seeing me for the first time would be “how is the baby?”.  I had thought of this and had been rehearsing my responses in my head.

As much as I knew the questions would be asked and as much as I had rehearsed my responses, I was not prepared.   “Did you have a boy or a girl?”   The pit in my stomach grew and tears welled up in my eyes but I spoke.   “We had a boy – his name was Jake.  He passed away when he was 2 weeks old.”   Then, I ran to the bathroom, went into a stall and cried.  

There is only one thing worse than speaking ill of the dead –

and that is not speaking of the dead at all.

                              — Anonymous

I had decided that I would always speak about Jake.   It might be hard for the person asking the question but I needed (and need) to talk about him.   Now, I need to speak about Jake and Sawyer.

So, in late winter of this year I was jogging.  I saw in the distance a neighbor who I had not seen since Sawyer was born and died.   I thought of turning around and going down another street but decided to take my chances.   I smiled, said hello and tried to speed up.   Behind me I heard her ask, “How is the baby?  Are you getting any sleep with the three kids?”.   I knew I had no choice but to stop and answer her.   I spoke – I am not even sure what I said but I know that I answered.  

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.  

                                            – – – Author Unknown

Maternity Leave

September 22, 2010 at 4:08 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 11 Comments

Every day after Jake’s funeral I would go visit his grave.    As I wrote in this post, I had a c-section.   I was not allowed to go back to work for 6 weeks from the day of the surgery.  I was on maternity leave with no baby at home.  I would go take care of a little plot of grass in Arlington cemetery.  I would cry, bring flowers and sing.   I would go every day without fail.   I felt like the poem below was written about my feelings (however, I am not the author).

Dream

I am drawn quietly to his grave to check on him,

Just as I’d have been drawn quietly to his crib.

I trim the grass around his marker,

And dream of trimming bangs from his forehead.

I place flowers in his vase,

And dream of placing kisses on his cheek.

I hold his memory dear to my heart,

And dream of holding him in my arms.

                                             Author unknown

Four and a half years later I once again found myself on maternity leave with no baby at home.   People often say to me at least you have the twins.   Yes, I am so very lucky that I have the twins.   I am just still so very sad that Sawyer is gone.   The twins no longer can help take care of their little brother.

After Sawyer’s funeral, I could not bring myself to go to the cemetery.   I could not sing – not to Jake, not to the twins and not to Sawyer.   I was silent and so very sad.    There has now come a day that I can go back to the cemetery.    I am even able to sing to Jake, the twins and Sawyer at times.   I am still so very sad and so very lucky that this time around I do have these cheeks that I can kiss.

Sitting Shiva

September 16, 2010 at 11:50 pm | Posted in funeral, mourning, traditions | 4 Comments

I am uncertain about my religious beliefs these days – especially since Sawyer passed away.   However, I am very certain that I really appreciate the Jewish mourning customs.   As I mentioned in this post, I am a big fan of the shomerim.  Another Jewish custom that I appreciated was that funerals must be held as soon as possible.   Jake’s funeral was approximately 30 hours after he passed away.

As we left the funeral two rows of people formed.  Evan and I walked through the rows and for the first time I was distracted from my vision of Jake’s casket.   The friends and family surrounded us to offer their condolences.   I had not realized until this point that Jake had impacted so many people. 

After the funeral it is the Jewish custom to sit shiva.  “Shiva” is derived from the word sheva which means seven.   Shiva is the mourning period during the first seven days following a death.  I cannot imagine what would have happened to me and Evan if we had come home from Jake’s funeral to an empty house.   The fact that friends and family were at our house constantly during those first few days was so helpful (not to mention it probably kept me from completely losing it. . .).

In the back of my brain I knew that there would be a day, not so far from then that I would be alone in the house.   Evan would go back to work.  Friends and family would go about their lives (as they should).  I would have to figure out what was next.  How would I get through the days and the nights in a world without Jake (and now Sawyer)?  But, that day – the day of Jake’s funeral I did not have to think about the days ahead.   I felt a bit like Scarlett O’Hara when she wanted to escape reality.   “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

« Previous Page

Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.