Mixed Up Mother’s Day
May 8, 2011 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, traditions, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, mom, motherhood, Sawyer, twins
The definition of a mother is “a woman who has, conceives, gives birth to, or raises a child.”
I am so lucky that I woke up this morning to our two happy twins saying “Happy Mother’s Day!” to me. I am also so fortunate and grateful that I was able to call my mother to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. I know that there are people whose mothers, grandmothers and/or children have died. I know that this day can be challenging on many levels.
As I have written about before, I often silently tell myself to “remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present.” No matter how many times I repeat this saying I cannot help but to think about past Mother’s Days. . .
Mother’s Day 2005 – I was pregnant with Jake. We spent the day with my mom and my grandmother. My brother, sister-in-law and our 10 month old nephew had the whole family over to their house. We had not been for the nuchal screening test yet. I was blissfully ignorant and happy.
Mother’s Day 2006 – I was in a no (wo)man’s land of mothers. I was a mother with no child to care for and raise. Jake had been dead for less than a year. Evan and I went to the cemetery. We planned Jake’s unveiling and hoped for the possibility that Jake would one day have a brother or a sister.
Mother’s Day 2007 – I was pregnant with the twins. I still felt like I was living in a no (wo)man’s land of motherhood. Jake had been gone for nearly 2 years. We went to the cemetery. We had gone for an OB appointment the Friday before Mother’s Day. Our OB, who was one of the few people who met Jake, said to me at the end of the appointment that I should be really happy because I was now going to have my first official Mother’s Day. I still remember how those words cut through me like a knife.
Mother’s Day 2008 – The twins were 10 months old. According to anyone’s definition I was now a mother. Jake had been dead for almost 3 years. I was happily exhausted. We visited Jake at the cemetery and spent the day with the twins.
Mother’s Day 2009 – I was pregnant with Sawyer. The twins would be 2 at the end of July. Jake would have been 4 that August. We visited Jake at the cemetery and spent the day with the twins.
Mother’s Day 2010 – Sawyer had been dead 4 1/2 months. The twins were almost 3. Jake would have been 5. We visited Jake and Sawyer at the cemetery. I cried most of the day and tried to play with the twins.
Today we went to the cemetery. One of the twins left a toy for her brothers. She said she was leaving the toy to make Jake and Sawyer happy. As I sit here and write I think she makes me happy. So do all three of her brothers.
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A Mourning Mom 
Oh Lanie this breaks my heart – thinking of you crying every Mother’s Day. It’s so unfair that you can’t have Jake and Sawyer with you. My heart is with you. xo xo
Comment by Kelcey— May 8, 2011 #
I thought of you today my dear friend. I thought about how this day would be both happy and sad for you, and I hoped that you were okay. So much I don’t know…but I do know this: you are a wonderful mother to all your children as your love for them all knows no bounds. Happy Mother’s Day Lanie. Love, Amy
Comment by Amy Johnson— May 9, 2011 #
Lanie,
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers on Mother’s Day and I know it has to be a day of mixed feelings. You are blessed to have been graced with all four of your children as well as a great husband. Living in the present is so important but we never forget our blessings. Much love for you and all of your family., Patty
Comment by Patty— May 9, 2011 #
What a day of mixed feelings and memories. I can imagine your smile as the twins sang in your day, and love that image.
Comment by Daphne— May 9, 2011 #
Mother’s Day is certainly a bittersweet day for you, and the family and friends who know you and Evan. I hope that you were able to continue thinking about the blessings as much as possible.
Comment by eden— May 9, 2011 #
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