Human Doings
March 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life lessons, venting | 6 CommentsTags: dark days, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder
I have written that I do not necessarily have advice for bereaved parents. I do not have the magic words to take away the pain. However, I do have a strategy which I have used most of my adult life. Being busy. I over schedule. Moments alone terrify me – they are opportunities for dark thoughts to take me over.
I will never forget the dark empty days of January, 2006. Jake had died and I could not fill up the days with anything that would distract me from my grief. Slowly, I rejoined the land of the living. Keeping busy was a huge part of my plan. I worked as much as I could and made sure that I was never home alone.
Right after Jake and then Sawyer died family and friends were around a lot. I am still so appreciative that a couple of my thoughtful friends made an online calendar for me. People would come by or call every day. These days I am usually with the twins or at work so busy is built into my schedule.
“Don’t be afraid of the vacant moment. You are a human being not a ‘human doing’ so just be and consider your boredness. You may be surprised at how it clears the mind (after getting over the initial discomfort) and provides new thoughts.” Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and It’s All Small Stuff by Richard Carlson
Today I am not completely terrified of the “vacant moments” but there is still fear. I am still more of a human doing than a human being. I know that there is a balance. I will find it one of these days.
P.S. If you have a free moment will you please vote for brilliantly funny Mamabirddiaries in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest?
Where are Sawyer & Jake? (part 2)
February 26, 2012 at 9:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Death, Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, family, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, unexplainable
In this post I wrote that I believe Jake and Sawyer are in our hearts. I also believe they are close by. I do not have any proof. It is just a feeling (and a hope). Maybe at times it is more than a feeling.
Last year, in the last few days of Evan’s mother’s life she (Shelley) spoke about people in the room. She was at home. Family, friends and hospice were with her. A few times Shelley mentioned that there was a woman behind her and a little boy on the bench at the end of her bed.
When she was 17, Shelley took care of her sick mother. Shelley cared for her until she died 2 years later. Shelley was 19 at the time. Over 40 years later, Shelley spoke about a woman behind her bed. I believe that woman was her mother.
Evan’s sister asked questions about the woman and the boy. Shelley said that the boy seemed like he was around 6. At the time of Shelley’s death Jake would have been 5 1/2. I like to think that the boy was Jake.
“It is the secret of the world that all things subsist and do not die, but only retire a little from sight and afterwards return again. Nothing is dead; men feign themselves dead, and endure mock funerals and mournful obituaries, and there they stand looking out of the window, sound and well, in some new strange disguise.” – – Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is all part of my new normal. The reality I live in now does not include Jake and Sawyer’s physical presence but they are always nearby. They send me signs – like when I see a praying mantis on the window of my parent’s 8th floor condo or a ladybug in the middle of winter. I will look for their signs while I wait to hold Jake and Sawyer again. As an extremely wise bereaved mom wrote, “a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.”
Where are Sawyer & Jake?
January 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, traditions | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, Jewish customs, life after loss, what happens after we die?
I do not know exactly what I believe happens to us after we die. I like to think that Jake and Sawyer are with me where ever I go. Perhaps they are with Evan, the twins and others as well. Are they angels?
According to the free dictionary one definition of an angel is “a typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam. . .”. Every religion seems to offer a different view on what happens after we die.
I go to the cemetery to “visit” Jake and Sawyer. I know that they are not really there. It is just their physical remains which are buried in that plot. I do not like to think about that part – especially in the cold weather. Cremation would have solved that issue for me but at the time I was so numb and just went through the motions of a Jewish burial.
Like so many of my questions about Jake and Sawyer, this one will be unanswered. I have made up my own answer. Jake and Sawyer are in our hearts. I hope that if they are actually somewhere else that they are safe, happy and know how much they are loved. I will always look for them in my dreams.
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