Sawyer’s Story (part 13): Sawyer’s Sister

March 24, 2011 at 11:03 pm | Posted in Grief | 6 Comments

After the medical examiner, the police and the night nurse left, Evan and I went to the twins’ room.  They were so happy to see us.  I was hopeful that since they were so young they would not understand what had happened.  Maybe Evan and I would at least be able to protect them from the enormous grief that was drowning us.

We brought them to the kitchen for breakfast just like any other morning.  Once we were downstairs our daughter turned to me and pointed up the stairs.  She looked at me and asked, “Where is Sawyer?”  She then pleaded, “I want to see Sawyer now.”  Silence.  What could I possibly say to our 2 1/2-year-old daughter?

I took a deep breath.  I am not sure where the words came from but I told her I could not go get Sawyer.  He was not home.  He had gone to live with Jake.  Evan and I had always spoken about Jake to the twins.  We told them that he was their big brother.  And now, Sawyer had gone to live with Jake. 

We fed the twins breakfast.  I called our pediatrician and family friend.  I told him that Sawyer was dead.  I asked him the same questions over and over.  What could have happened to Sawyer?  Should I have the twins checked out immediately?  The twins watched television and played. 

One of my good friends came over with cabbage to help me begin weaning myself from breast-feeding.  My parents arrived early that day and helped watch the twins.  I think other people came over but I truly cannot remember.  Evan and I were there but not there. 

Thankfully, that first day ended.  It was the twin’s bed time.  Our son fell right asleep.  However, our daughter began to demand to see Sawyer again.  She began to cry.  She continued to cry.  No one could console her.  No one could comfort her.  

At 4 or 5 am we put on “Finding Nemo” and she finally fell asleep.  I looked at our sleeping daughter.  I do not think that a 2 1/2-year-old understands death.  She did realize that something about her world had changed and she did not like it.  I wished that I could stop the tears – hers and mine.

“A Thousand Words Can’t Bring You Back,
I Know Because I Tried
And Neither Can a Million Tears
I Know Because I Cried.”
~Author Unknown


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  1. I watch how happily your daughter and son play today, and I am thankful.

  2. “We were there but not there”.. how I remember that feeling. Blessings,


  3. My heart is breaking all over again, for all of you. I am sending love and hugs.

  4. You are such a powerful writer. Thank you for sharing your beautiful sons stories with the world. Hugs and prayers.

  5. The twins are wondeful and well-adjusted today–so you both obviously did more than something right during this terrible time.

  6. […] I was going to be one of those parents that did not let their kids watch too much TV but Sawyer’s death quickly changed that.  It seemed much better for the twins to watch Elmo than to watch their mom […]

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