2005

August 11, 2010 at 4:35 pm | Posted in pregnancy | 3 Comments
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I had my share of bad times in life before 2005.  A broken engagement which I thought at the time I had cried a large river over.   Failed the bar exam and had the fear of not knowing what to do with my life.   Nothing prepared me for 2005.

In early March, 2005 I could not wait to get down the stairs to show my husband the stick I had just peed on.  There were two lines – not just the one that lets you know the pregnancy test is working.  After a year of trying we were pregnant!

I was so happy to be pregnant.  Not as happy about the morning sickness (which no one tells you that it is not only in the morning).   My happiness lasted until May.  We went for our nuchal screening test.  The results were that there was a 1 in 5 chance that our baby had trisomy 21.

We were devastated but somehow we rationalized that 1 in 5 meant that our baby could be among the lucky 4 to not to have trisomy 21.  We had to know for sure so we opted to have a chorionic villus sampling.  We waited the 2 agonizing weeks for the results.

Our baby was the 1 in 5 to have trisomy 21.  Now what?   We went to the genetics clinic and neither of us were carriers.  Spontaneous trisomy 21 – it just happens.  Really?   How could this be possible?  How do these things just happen?

I knew for sure I was continuing this pregnancy and going to raise a downs child.  My husband was not so sure.  We were referred to a counselor and began therapy.  We spoke to a rabbi.  I spoke to other parents of children with trisomy 21.  I researched how to raise a downs child. I read Expecting Adam.

Now I just had to wait for my husband to get on board.  If he did not,  I had already planned to find a way to raise the baby on my own.  I am pro choice but I knew in my heart of hearts that I could not terminate this pregnancy.  I also knew it would not be an easy road raising a downs child. 

One week in late June he agreed.   We were terrified but we were now on the road together.

How are you?

August 9, 2010 at 6:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments
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People ask this question all the time.  It is a common greeting.  I too used to ask the question.  Now,  I can’t answer it.  Or, I cry as I try to answer. 

“How are you?”  

Not so great.  In fact, awful.  Our first son, Jake was born in August of 2005 at 26 weeks.  He lived for 2 weeks in the NICU.  The only time we held him was while he passed away.  Jake’s funeral was August 28, 2005.

After clomid, letersol, 6 IUIs and 2 IVF’s we had our amazing twins in July of 2007.   I treasure every day with them.

In November, 2009 we were lucky enough to have a beautiful full term boy, Sawyer.  At 10:45 pm on December 25, 2009 I kissed my perfect baby good night for the last time.   Sawyer’s heart stopped very early the next morning.  No symptoms, no warning, he was just gone.  Sawyer’s funeral was December 28, 2009.

I take life day by day.  I keep thinking that there must be some purpose to all this grief.  For the almost five years since Jake died I have been trying to figure out what to do with all my sadness.  Since Sawyer died I am numb but I have to keep moving forward.  I am starting this blog to create a purpose for Jake and Sawyer’s lives.  And, perhaps help other families or maybe just my own. . .

Other people’s words of wisdom

August 9, 2010 at 6:32 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Death is Nothing at all

Death is nothing at all. . .I have only slipped away into the next room. . . I am I, and you are you. . . Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.  Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.  Put no difference into your tone; wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.  Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.  Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.  Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.  Let it be spoken without effect, without ghost of a shadow on it.  Life means all it ever meant.  It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity.  Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?  I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner. . . All is well.

Henry Scott Holland, Oxford Professor of Dignity, The Anglican Digest

Little Angel

I was given an angel to cherish and love. 

So tiny, so perfect, a gift from above.

When I looked at his face it was calmness I found

And that peace seemed to spread to all he was around.

His love touched my heart like fine threads of spun gold

And I thanked G-d for giving me this angel to hold.

But I did not know then that time was my foe

And too soon, with a whisper, my angel would go.

My heart almost breaking, a touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt as it coursed down my face. 

I still have my angel to cherish and love.

Those gold threads now shimmer from Heaven above.

And though I can’t see him or cuddle him tight,

I won’t say goodbye, Little Angel, goodnight.

Anonymous

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