Happy Anniversary Evan!
May 28, 2013 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, Love | 9 CommentsTags: 10 year anniversary, child loss, death of a baby, family, hope, life after loss
Most of the anniversaries I write about are not really anniversaries at all. They are really Deathiversaries.
This past week Evan and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.
In 10 years we have had 4 miraculous children. We have buried our oldest and our youngest sons. I am afraid to count how many other funerals we have attended.
The divorce statistics after the death of a child are debatable. Some say it is a very high number, others disagree. I am not sure which to believe and I do not think it matters. It is bittersweet. All marriages have difficult and stressful times (I think).
Our lives are not the “happily ever after” that I had imagined but
Last Day of Kindergarten
May 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, kindergarten, last day, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Today was the last day of kindergarten for the twins. They have both been telling me for the last several weeks, “Mama, we are ready to go to 1st grade.” I am so very happy watching them grow up. This is what I want. The twins are alive and growing. So, why am I sad?
I know that I am not supposed to “grow” Jake and Sawyer up. There is no point in mourning the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old who I will never know. Logically, I know this is true. However, somehow between the end of the year parties, musicals, recitals and tournaments my mind finds time to imagine the little boy who should be sitting in my lap watching his older siblings. And, then my mind wanders to the proud older brother who should be sitting next to me watching his younger brother and sister.
There is no 3-year-old sitting in my lap. No 7-year-old next to me. However, I am here in the land of the living. Evan and I are watching the twins grow while remembering Jake and Sawyer. Life is bittersweet. Miraculous and Miserable.
Ready or not . . .
Happy Mother’s Day??
May 14, 2013 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: miscarriage, motherhood, new not so normal, premature birth, thoughts, twins, unexplainable, ways to honor the memory of your child
As I have already written, Mother’s Day is not my favorite day. I try to focus on the 4 positive pregnancy tests and the 4 live births. I also try not dwell on the 2 emergency c- sections, the NICU, the miscarriage and the 2 deaths. The truth is that all of these events have made me a mother.
I have gone to the cemetery the last seven Mother’s Days. I know that some people consider this morbid. For me it is my way of taking care of my children who are not physically with me. It gives my aching arms something to do (even if it is clipping grass and cleaning headstones). It brings me some peace.
This year I noticed something different. There was a sign at the entrance to the cemetery:
Maybe the cemetery has a new marketing person. Or, maybe I have missed the sign in past years. Either way, it just seems odd to have a Mother’s Day cook out at the cemetery. And, what would one do with a t-shirt from the cemetery?
Missing you on Mother’s Day
May 12, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, mother's day, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that I do not think of you both. I know that you are both miracles. I was lucky enough to hold you both even for just a moment. I am thankful for the time that I spent with you. I just wish there were more moments. My arms ache to hold you.
I miss you every day. Some days are just harder. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Although the logical part of me knows that this is just a hallmark holiday. The original creator, Anna Jarvis, herself was even disappointed by how commercialized the day had become.
May 5th was International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I have to confess I try not to think about these days. It is not too hard to do in May. Especially now that your brother and sister are in kindergarten. The end of the year seems to bring extra activities that make it even easier to forget about the date.
I love you both to the moon and back. I will look for you in my dreams.
I know that this day is hard for so many. There are the other mothers in the club whose arms will also ache to hold their children. There are others who are missing their mothers and grandmothers. I send hope and hugs to you all.
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A Mourning Mom 