My Ghost of Christmas Past
December 26, 2012 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, Love, mourning, normal?, why I write | 21 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, holidays, Sawyer, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
This picture of you looks as if I could just pick you up. My arms ache every time I look at it. I cannot believe I will never hold you again. I should have never let you go that night. If I knew it was the last time I was ever going to hold you or kiss you I would never have put you down on December 25th three years ago. If I were holding you would I have been able to save you? Why did you have to go? Will we ever know? So many questions without any answers.
The rational part of me knows that even if I ever do find out why you died it will not make a difference. You will still be dead. And, I will still be alive. The irrational part of me thinks that if I could just understand your cause of death I could protect you. Change the fact that you are gone. The logical me then takes over again and argues that if we knew the cause then we could test the twins. We could prevent other children from dying. The rational, irrational and logical me might be battling it out forever. None of us will win. We will have all lost.
I hope that I can always remember how it felt to hold you. I want to permanently erase the images of you in the emergency room. Unfortunately, they are burned into my mind. Luckily, there are other pictures of perfect little you. . .
Missing you always and forever. I will look for you in my dreams and hope that I can hold you again one day. I love you to the moon and back.
No words
December 18, 2012 at 11:44 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, mourning | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, family, Gandhi, Newtown, post traumatic stress disorder, tragedy, unexplainable
Every morning since Friday I have woken up hoping that the senseless deaths in Newtown were a horrific nightmare. After Jake’s and Sawyer’s deaths I had similar experiences. The moments before I was fully awake everything seemed alright in the world. And then an instant later it shattered. Reality. And, the world seems as if it is forever broken.
There are so many families left behind. New members of the club. Filled with endless questions. Why? How? Guns? G-d? There are no answers that will bring them back. The 20 children will never grow up. The families will be missing pieces for eternity.
I so wish I had the right words but since I do not, I will again borrow wisdom from Gandhi.
Storms & Seasons Greetings
December 12, 2012 at 12:12 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, holidays, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective
The dark days of December are always accompanied by holiday parties and cheer. The people of planet earth should be celebrating and happy because as it has already been established not everyone lives on planet my baby died. Last weekend I was visiting planet earth when Evan and I attended his work holiday party. For the most part we fit right in. Three different people asked “how many children do you have?” My response to 2 of them was “we have twins at home.”
I was speaking to a woman who I knew had lost a daughter. I did not know how or if I would bring it up but then she asked the question. I told her about all 4 of our children. I told her about Jake and Sawyer. She told me about her daughter who had died in 1999.
She shared with me that the month of her daughter’s death is still hard for her. I am truly sad that it is difficult but her honesty helped me. The 3 years since Sawyer died seem so long ago in some respects but in others it really does not. There is no plan to get over or through grief. It is a journey. I know exactly when the storms began but I am not sure if they will ever end.
A light in the darkness
December 8, 2012 at 9:46 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 3 CommentsTags: Candle Lighting, child loss, Compassionate Friends, dark days, death of a baby, grief, hope, new not so normal, quotes, ways to honor the memory of your child
The Compassionate Friends is an organization which was formed to support families after a child has died. Its founder, Simon Stephens, states that the mission is “about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”
The Compassionate Friends created a worldwide event to unite “family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause.” December 9th at 7 pm will mark the 16th Worldwide Candle Lighting.
Doctors & Dreams
December 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, Sad, Sawyer, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
Three years ago we had your 2 week check up with the pediatrician. You did fantastic. You were gaining weight. You were eating. You were sleeping. All seemed to be going well. Was there something that we missed?
The doctor told us that you were perfect. We even scheduled your 2 month check up in January of 2010. As you know, we did not make it to that appointment.
I try not to imagine what you would be like as a 3-year-old. I know that I should just mourn the loss of you as a baby. It only makes it more painful to grieve the losses of all the other stages you sadly never reached. Good night baby boy. I love you. I miss you. As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
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