Life without you

October 26, 2012 at 9:42 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 4 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
There are days that I just cannot stop my arms from aching to hold you.  Today was one of those days.  I think of you and miss you every day.  Time is marching on as it always does.  Soon it will be November again.  Another November without you – just like every day since that awful night.

I carry the book of pictures of you that my thoughtful friends gave me.  I hold on to it.  It is not the same as holding you but I am so thankful that I have it.  I cannot look at it often but I always have it with me.  I love you to the moon and back sweet Sawyer.  I will look for you in my dreams.   Love you always.

 

Hectic, Hope & Hair

October 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, normal?, twins | 11 Comments
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There always seems to be a lot happening in October.  However, this year seems extra crazy busy.  For example, yesterday the twins had a fun run at school, a baseball game and a kindergarten social.  Busy is good for me.  It keeps me moving forward.  No time (or at least not too much time) to stop and think about the 3rd birthday party we would be planning if Sawyer were still alive.

It turns out that hectic schedules are not so great for the twins.  Getting ready quickly to get to the next event is not either of their strong points.  So yesterday when no one would get dressed for baseball.  After lots of whining and a small melt down or two, I surrendered.  Their team was not going to have to forfeit if the twins were not there.  In fact, they do not even keep score.  Little people do not have to be busy all the time.  Finally, they agreed to get dressed for their school social.  And they had a good time.

Until, they didn’t. . .

Today was supposed to be another busy day.  A school fall festival and a hair cut.  I again did not fight the twins when they refused to get dressed to go to their fall festival.  They played pretend.  I braced myself for the fight I thought I would have with them in order to get them dressed to go out for their hair cuts.

Evan and I were pleasantly surprised when 2 little people got dressed and into the car without a melt down.  The twins were excited for this hair cut.  I had donated my hair last year and unintentionally inspired our daughter to grow her hair.  Here is her hair before:

Here is the hair pull that did not hurt (or put anyone in time out):

And, the after picture:

A Walk to Remember

October 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 9 Comments
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Every day 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths.

One horrible day in December 2009 our baby, Sawyer, was one of those 13.  We remember Jake and Sawyer every day but today Evan and I participated in our 7th Walk to Remember.

The first year it was just the two of us.  Jake had died a few months before the walk.  Evan and I could barely talk about our child’s death let alone listen to the other sad stories parents were sharing about their losses.

Today we had the twins with us and we were there for Jake and Sawyer.

I can now talk about Jake and Sawyer.  I listen to others as they tell about their sons and daughters.  I still wish none of us had to live in a world without our child/children.

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world.  The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps is burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.

Better

October 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 9 Comments
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I have written before how I am so very lucky for my grandfather.  I know that he will not live forever.  It was never the plan for him to outlive me.  I know that is not what he would want.  It defies the circle of life that Evan and I have outlived 2 of our children.  Jake and Sawyer were supposed to bury us. 

My grandfather is now in hospice.  Although life is going in the natural order – it is still hard.  I do not want to see my grandfather in pain.  I want to make it easier.  I do not know what to do except what I have always done – love him unconditionally.  And, appreciate how much better the world and my life is because of him.

The Balancing Act

October 4, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, venting | 5 Comments
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Areas of my life which I wish I could find a balance:

1. Answering the question, “how many children do you have?”

The twins started a new school this year. There are new teachers. New parents.

The twins started preschool the week after Sawyer died. We did not plan it that way but it is the way it worked out. It was a small preschool. I had already answered the questions. I had cried the tears in the parking lot.

Sawyer has been gone over 2 years so I can usually answer the question without the tears. The balance I am trying to find is answering the question without the pity that always seem to come along with it. It is hard to explain but I do not want people to feel sorry for us. I just want to be able to answer the question and talk about Jake and Sawyer.

2. “Being so busy I cannot think” coping technique

In 2005, Jake had died. I was still alive and forced to figure out how to live in a world without him. I searched and searched for steps to follow. A guide. Anything to help me get through the excruciatingly painful moments. I realized that being busy was the way to go. I desperately filled every possible moment.

In 2009 after Sawyer died I continued to utilize my “being so busy I cannot think” coping technique. I am at a point where I need to rethink just how busy I keep myself.

I do not know how to find the balance. There might not be a balance. Or, maybe there is and I will find it one day.  Till then I will try to take Dr. Seuss’ advice and “step with care and great tact.”

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