Home is where the heart is. . .
September 30, 2012 at 11:02 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
I think that is how the saying goes. . .but what if your heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces? Where is your home then? I want my home to include all of my children. Jake never left the hospital. Sawyer did live in our home but not for long enough.
Our next door neighbors are selling their house. There has been a lot of talk about what people want in a house. A garage. A basement. X number of bedrooms and bathrooms. The top of my list is actually none of those options. My biggest concern is how far the house is from the cemetery where Jake and Sawyer are buried. We currently live 15 minutes away.
I was speaking to another mom at baseball practice and she mentioned that her neighborhood is at the edge of the cemetery. My mind filled with thoughts of what it would be like to be able to walk over to see Jake and Sawyer. Would I go more often? Would I ever go anywhere without going to the cemetery first? It is so hard to drive by it and not stop.
Today we went and picked out 4 mini pumpkins. One for each of the twins. One for Jake. One for Sawyer. I was thinking that I would bring them to the cemetery as I have done in past years. The twins had another idea. They insisted on bringing the pumpkins to Jake and Sawyer’s room. Jake never had a room in our current house. He was born and died 2 years before we moved into our house. Sawyer did have a room. It was the room next to the twins’ room. And, that is where they brought the 2 mini pumpkins.
Anger
September 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 CommentsTags: anger, child loss, death of a baby, Down syndrome, grandparents, Jake, motherhood, new not so normal, thoughts, trisomy 21
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world — that is the myth of the atomic age — as in being able to remake ourselves. – Gandhi
Anger. It is the 2nd stage of grief according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. At the time of Jake’s and Sawyer’s deaths I do not specifically remember feeling anger. Perhaps there was no room for anger because the stages of denial, bargaining and depression seemed to have trapped me. However, anger creeps into my life at unexpected times.
I was waiting in line with one of the twins so that she could sit in a fire truck. We were patiently waiting our turn.
We were in line behind a very cute girl with Down syndrome. She was not so sure about climbing up the stairs of the fire truck. The fireman offered to help her but she wanted to do it herself.
I asked the woman with the girl in front of us in line how old she was. She responded, “She is my daughter’s girl and she is 8.” I wanted to say something back to her like “You mean she is your granddaughter?” I remained silent. Jake would have been 7. Would he have liked fire trucks?
My little girl began to ask repeatedly, “When is it my turn?” My silence broke to reassure her that, “It is your turn next.”
The woman with the girl, looked at my daughter who at this point was jumping up and down as she continued to whine about her turn, pointed towards her granddaughter and said “This will really teach you patience.” And there it was – anger. I was angry at this grandmother. I have not walked in her shoes. I do not know the first thing about her life but I was angry. The voice inside my head wanted to explain to her that I too had a Down syndrome child but he died. He died before I got the chance to learn that level of patience. I once again remained silent.
Our Giving Tree
September 18, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: motherhood, new not so normal, parenthood, ways to honor the memory of your child
The winter after Jake died one of my favorite friend’s mother had a tree planted at a local park in his memory.
Sadly, my friend’s mom died the next year. I had a tree planted next to Jake’s tree in her memory. The two trees were planted near a small pond. In 2009, it rained so much that her tree did not make it. I was in the process of trying to relocate both trees away from the water when Sawyer was born. And then before I knew it he had died.
So I bought 2 trees. A tree to replace my friend’s mom’s tree. And, a tree in memory of Sawyer. All 3 trees are now away from the pond and at the edge of a playground. The first summer after Sawyer died it was really hot. I would go by as often as I could to water the trees. It made me feel like I could take care of something for Sawyer and Jake. All 3 trees made it through the summer but Sawyer’s always seems to be struggling.
I took the twins to the playground last week. I always check on the trees when we are there. The twins often help me.
As Sawyer’s sister “helped” with the tree she happened to pull off a small branch. She asked if she could bring it home to take care of it. I responded, “sure, why not.” When we got home it was bath time. She asked if she could take the branch into the bathtub and wash it. Once again I answered, “sure, why not.”
After the bath she wanted to make pajamas and a blanket for the branch. And, she did.
Anniversaries (repost)
September 12, 2012 at 12:12 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, mourning | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts, tragedy
The tragedy of 9/11 and its’ anniversary are kinds of grief. It is of course, an enormous source of grief for all of the families and friends who lost loved ones. It is also the kind of grief in which you realize that the world as you knew it will not ever be the same.
Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans the week that Jake passed away. A very close friend of mine took her 5-year-old son in for his check up and the pediatrician found a rare heart condition. My grandmother had died. I felt like the world was coming to an end. So, I asked the rabbi who presided at Jake’s funeral about the possibility that the world was ending. He replied with an analogy. He said that it is like when you decide you are going to buy a certain kind of car. Once you make the decision you start seeing the car every where. So, my take away from his explanation was now that I was grieving I would start to see grieving every where. . . Turns out you don’t have to look too far for grief in this world. The record 7.0-magnitude earthquake hit Haiti shortly after Sawyer died.
I know that 9/11, where close to 3,000 people died; Hurricane Katrina, where 1,500-1,700 people died; and the earthquake in Haiti, where almost 230,000 people died are tremendous losses compared to the death of two babies. But, those babies were mine. And, my world will never be the same as it was before they had died.
There is not a contest for who has the most grief. I am not trying to compare my losses to these catastrophic tragedies. There are not any winners here. In grief we have all lost. However, there is still the next day and the day after that. And one day, there is a point where we will realize that our loved ones are dead but we are still alive.
I have previously posted this on 9/11. On the anniversary and every day, my heart, prayers and thoughts go out to not only the victims but to those who they left behind in this world.
Boys (& Girls) of Summer
September 10, 2012 at 12:04 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: baseball, death of a baby, fathers, Jake, life after loss, lucky, new not so normal, thoughts, trisomy 21, twins
When Evan and I were told it was 100% certain that Jake had trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome), 1 million thoughts raced through my mind. I doubt I can adequately articulate my exact thoughts and feelings at that moment. However, when we were “by accident” told that Jake was a boy I remember very clearly the precise thought which entered my mind first. The realization that Evan might not be able to play little league with our son was the thought which resonated first (and loudest) in my brain.
Jake was born 14 weeks early and only lived for 14 days. He did not ever leave the NICU. He never played little league. His little brother and little sister did join a team this year. They played in their first little league game over the weekend.
The team shirts were randomly given out right before the game. I have always thought that Jake’s lucky number was 14. So, maybe just maybe he was there today too.
Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, family, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves. The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:
I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present. They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.” Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer. It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.
Jake was their older brother. He died before the twins were born. Sawyer was their younger brother. He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old. I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.
The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers. They will happily talk and talk about them both. They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.
If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).
Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom
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