100!

August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 Comments
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If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown

August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather.  He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago.  I am so very lucky to have him in my life.

I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show.  Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday.  So, I will . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Family Portrait

August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 Comments
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Here is our family.  One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me.  In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
  1. I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life.  However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
  2. Evan is way on the right.  He is very tall.  And thin.  He could also use a good hair brushing.
  3. In the middle are the twins.  She is in pink.  He is in blue.
  4. Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby.  They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
  5. At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose.  Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
  6. Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake.  The next largest circle is Sawyer.  The smallest is for the baby .  I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant.  I was wrong.

7 years minus 1 day & I still miss you

August 26, 2012 at 9:14 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, hydrops, Time | 15 Comments
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It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.  Rose Kennedy

Dear Jake,
Tomorrow it will be 7 years since your Dad and I held you. I am still not sure how anyone got me to leave the NICU that Friday night.  I have nothing really new to tell you.  It is another day without you.  Tomorrow will come and you will officially be gone for 7 years.  The numbers do not matter.   I will miss you forever.  Love you always.  I will look for you in my dreams.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

August 22, 2012 at 8:28 pm | Posted in life after loss, why I write | 10 Comments
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Thank you very much to Di from It’s Dilovely for the nomination for this award:

The rules to the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are as follows:

  1. Display the Nomination logo on your blog
  2. Link back to the person who nominated you
  3. State 7 things about yourself
  4. Nominate 15 others and link to them
  5. Notify those bloggers of the nominations & award requirement

See above for #1 & #2.  So here goes #3:

  1. I have 1 million freckles.  I was not always so happy to have them.  When I was young, my mom always told me that they were kisses from the sun.  Now I am ok with the freckles and I am explaining to the twins about their sun kisses (which I still do not know how the sun gets through all the sun block to kiss them!).
  2. I am left-handed.
  3. I got an N (non-satisfactory) in handwriting in 2nd grade.  We wrote in pencil in 2nd grade and I did not figure out how to pick up my arm and not smear the page till the 3rd grade.
  4. In 3rd grade I thought I knew everything.  I clearly remember walking home from school one day thinking to myself, “I know how to divide and multiply.  I can write the alphabet in cursive.  What else could I possibly learn in school?”  Turns out there was a lot left to learn and I did not even need to bother learning cursive…
  5. I worked at an ice cream store in high school.  My friend Susan worked there too.  Susan and I are both tall with brown hair and brown eyes.  I have freckles (see #1) and she doesn’t but people would often confuse us for each other.  The owners of the ice cream store called us both Susan the entire time I worked there.
  6. Evan proposed at an ice cream store and had an ice cream flavor created for me.
  7. My grandfather is turning 100 next week!

Okay – finished with #3.  Here goes #4, nominations:

  1. Mama Bird Diaries – Kelcey is super funny, clever and witty.  She always makes me laugh and reminds me to look for the funny in life.  I am pretty sure that Kelcey’s blog is the first one I ever read.
  2. Four Plus An Angel – Jessica is the mother of 5.  She has a teenage daughter with autism, 2 surviving triplets and a rainbow baby in her arms.  Hadley is always in her heart.  She writes beautifully and has the uncanny ability to write exactly how I am feeling.
  3. Cora’s Story – Kristine writes in memory of her daughter Cora.  Along with writing about her blog, Kristine also wrote the free e-book When a Friend’s Baby Dies.
  4. A Greener Biener – Daphne writes about her and her families’ adventures in treating the planet more gently and eating better.  She has not only given me recipes for kale chips but inspired me to compost.
  5. The Spohrs Are Multiplying – Heather and Mike both blog on this site.  Their first daughter Maddie died suddenly in April of 2009.  The blog includes adventures of their daughter, Annie as well as photography tips, hair do ideas, recipes and life without Maddie.
  6. The Good Cook – Linda shares fantastic recipes and her journey since TBHITW (the best husband in the world) died.
  7. Rock Star Ronan – Ronan died in 2010 from neuroblastoma cancer.  His mother, Maya made a promise that she would continue to fight for Ronan until cancer survival rates start to improve and eventually a cure is found.
  8. Faces of Loss – Kristen Cook created this group blog when her daughter Stevie Joy was born still.  Kristen felt alone in her grief until she started to search the internet.  She created a place for women to share their stories and faces.  Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope brings awareness to the issue of pregnancy/infant loss.
  9. Simon’s Beat – The Sudman’s created Simon’s Fund and the blog in memory of their baby boy, Simon.  The mission of Simon’s Fund is “To save a child’s life . . . and then another, by raising awareness of conditions that lead to sudden cardiac arrest and death.”
  10. Jana’s Thinking PlaceMommy wants Vodka and Band Back Together –  Becky (from Mommy Wants Vodka) and Jana are the creators/editors of the group site Band Back Together.  It is a place where people connect about the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life.
  11. Missing Maxie – Abby writes about her son Max, who died at the age 9 1/2 months and her newborn Mo.
  12. Glow in the Woods – This is a group blog for “For parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds.” The creator an editor, Angie also writes the blog Still Life With Circles and created the project right where I am.
  13. Dr. Joanne – Joanne Cacciatore started the MISS Foundation as a way for families to cope with the tragedy of a child’s death.
  14. The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom – EC Stilson wears many hats.  She is an author, a musician and a mom and writes about all of her adventures.
  15. It’s Dilovely – Di blogs from the perspective as a mother (one child with her, one who died and one on the way).  She also writes from the perspective of a person (BANG, by a normal girl).

One of my hopes for my writing is that someone will read this blog and find something that will make their life some how easier.  Thank you again, Di, for the honor.

A Happy Day

August 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 13 Comments
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“Today you are you! That is truer than true!
There is no one alive..…who is you-er than you!
Dr. Seuss “Happy Birthday To You!”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN!

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Thank you Jake

August 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, twins, why I write | 12 Comments
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“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together
keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.”

Winnie the Pooh,  A. A. Milne

Dear Jake,
It was 7 years ago today when I was admitted to the hospital.  The doctors said there was no other option.  You were not ready for this world.  I suppose the world was not ready for you.  Your dad and I were terrified when the doctor told us my contractions were 3 minutes apart.  I could not believe at 26 weeks it could possibly be real.  I did truly believe you would live.  You held on for 2 more days before we actually got to meet you.

I still cannot understand how it is 7 years later.  I do not need a calendar to tell me the time of year.   My tears are much closer to the surface.  The lump in my throat is back.  My irritation and impatience have also risen just below my skin.  My nerves are so raw.  I wish to lock myself away so that I do not snap.  I already have apologized to your daddy.   If only just for a few moments I could be with you and your littlest brother.  I know that it is not possible.  However, this time of year I frequently seem to find myself back on the island of denial.

Your Yahrzeit was this weekend.   (The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.)  Your dad and I lit a Yahrzeit candle for you.

You have 2 new cousins!  Welcome to the world Eli and Owen!!  I wish you could meet them.  You probably already know this but your sister asked if she could have one of the babies.  She desperately wants a baby brother.  She talks about you and Sawyer almost every day.  This morning she brought me two blankets she found for each of you.  She is so sweet and thoughtful.  I am trying my best to keep it together.

Thank you for chosing us as your parents.  Thank you for the time you were able to spend with us.  Thank you for sending us your baby brother and sister.  They are shielding us from all the rain.

I miss you so much.  I love you to the moon and back baby boy.  I will look for you in my dreams.

It is complicated

August 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 10 Comments
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It is complicated to explain.  Or maybe it is not.  The twins are doing and will continue to do things that Jake and Sawyer never did and never will.  This is a fact.  A bittersweet part of our lives.

There will be no first days and no last days.  And nothing in between.  Sometimes I play the pointless “What if” game.  What if there were more time with Jake and with Sawyer?

I just read True Compass: A Memoir by Ted Kennedy.  He included a letter his father Joseph Kennedy Sr. wrote to a friend whose son had just died:

Dear Jack,
There are no words to dispel your feelings at this time, and there is no time that will ever dispel them. Nor is it any easier the second time than it was the first.

And yet I cannot share your grief, because no one could share mine. When one of your children goes out of your life, you think of what he might have done with a few more years and you wonder what you are going to do with the rest of yours.

You never really accept it; you just go through the motions. Then one day, because there is a world to be lived in, you find yourself a part of it again, trying to accomplish something–something that he did not have time enough to do. And, perhaps, that is the reason for it all.  I hope so.

Sincerely, Joe

I hope so too.

August Again

August 4, 2012 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Death, Grief, why I write | 10 Comments
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No matter how far the distance you have traveled nor the failures that have gathered, hope would still meet you anywhere.  – Dodinsky

August comes every year.  Right after July.  I have lived through these anniversaries of deaths and births before.  There are happy days this month too. 

Unlike the first year after Jake died not all the days are dark.   I will try my best to take care of the twins, keep busy and smile.  I will not always succeed. 

I have learned that part of my journey since Jake and Sawyer died is that grief at times sneaks up and knocks the wind right out of me.  Grief does not take me by surprise in August.  I know that it is there and I will brace myself for it.

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