Sunshine and Rain

January 30, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 7 Comments
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Weather is a great metaphor for life – sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad,
and there’s nothing much you can do about it but carry an umbrella.
~Terri Guillemets

Thank you for all the well wishes.  Today was sunny and both of the twins went to preschool.   This time of year the birthdays, anniversaries and yahrzeits for Jake and Sawyer are over.  The “pressure to be happy because it the holidays” is over too.   The dark days are a little less dark.

It helps that the sun has been shining and this winter has not been too cold.  There has been a lot of rain and sometimes there are storms.  It is all part of life.  I wish some of the storms were not quite so severe but no one asked me.

When it does rain the twins usually belt out a few verses of “rain, rain go away.”  This brings a smile to my face.  If that does not do the trick then I can always fall back on the song Blame it on the rain by Milli Vanilli.  “You can blame it on the rain. . .You got to blame it on something” is then stuck in my head for the rest of the day.  So, even on the dark rainy days there is some light.

Paranoid Parenting

January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 Comments
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I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician.  They were in the back seat.  I hoped they did not sense my panic.  My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital.  I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.

Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance.  However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.

Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time.  I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).

It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers.  Pink eye had definitely returned to our house.  And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing.  Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent.  I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick.  I try to trust my instincts as a mother.  The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do.  I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died.  My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?

I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon.  We were the last appointment.  We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic.  Pulsox levels were good.  No irregular heart beats.   My panic started to subside.  I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.

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My Real World (part 2)

January 26, 2012 at 11:23 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 5 Comments
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Throughout history children have predeceased their parents.  Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln had 4 sons.  Only 1 lived to adulthood.  No wonder Lincoln was always characterized as being depressed.  After the death of their 3rd son, Willie, Mary Todd Lincoln wrote, “when I can bring myself to realize that he has indeed passed away, my question to myself is, ‘can life be endured?”.

Here and here I posted a quote by Robert Frost.  He had a brilliant response to Mary Todd’s question.

In three words I can sum up every- thing I’ve learned about life. It goes on.  ~Robert Frost

I may have studied the life and work of Robert Frost in high school English class but I do not remember learning that he and his wife had 6 children.  Only 3 of those 6 children outlived their mother and only 2 outlived their father.  Frost and his wife both (not surprisingly) suffered from depression.

I have always known that Evan and I are not alone in this club.   There is tragedy, loss and grief throughout history and the world.  It is everywhere.  Or maybe it seems that way to me.  The rabbi who presided over Jake’s funeral told us an analogy which made a lot of sense to me.  He said that death/grief/loss is like when you decide you are going to buy a certain kind of car.   Once you make the decision you start seeing the car every where.

Regardless of how common or uncommon death/grief/loss is in the world I have a different perspective since Jake died in 2005.  I did not think that my child or now my children would die before me.  I thought it was something that happened a long time ago or to other people now it is my reality.

No matter how far the distance you have traveled nor the failures that  have gathered, hope would still meet you anywhere.  – Dodinsky

Where are Sawyer & Jake?

January 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, traditions | 6 Comments
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I do not know exactly what I believe happens to us after we die.  I like to think that Jake and Sawyer are with me where ever I go.  Perhaps they are with Evan, the twins and others as well.  Are they angels?

According to the free dictionary one definition of an angel is “a typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam. . .”.  Every religion seems to offer a different view on what happens after we die. 

I go to the cemetery to “visit” Jake and Sawyer.  I know that they are not really there.  It is just their physical remains which are buried in that plot.  I do not like to think about that part – especially in the cold weather.   Cremation would have solved that issue for me but at the time I was so numb and just went through the motions of a Jewish burial.  

Like so many of my questions about Jake and Sawyer, this one will be unanswered.  I have made up my own answer.  Jake and Sawyer are in our hearts.  I hope that if they are actually somewhere else that they are safe, happy and know how much they are loved.  I will always look for them in my dreams.

The Good News & the Bad News

January 14, 2012 at 9:22 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, normal?, venting | 11 Comments
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I got a call the other day from the very kind woman who works at the cemetery.  She asked me if I wanted to hear the good news or the bad news first.  I feel like any calls from the cemetery are bad news but I went ahead and answered, “The good news.”  I know it does not always seem like it but I still try to be an optimist.

“The good news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived.”  I did not need for her to tell me the bad news.  I could figure out for myself that the bad news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived and it is wrong.   She had already begun to tell me that the headstone has already been sent back and they will let us know any updates.

I do not know what one is supposed to do when their sons’ headstones keep coming in wrong.  Do you complain to the customer service department?  Do you write to the better business bureau?  What exactly are the options here? 

Ultimately, I do not know when but I do know that eventually Sawyer’s headstone will be correct.  He is not going anywhere so there is no rush.  He will still be dead no matter what is on his headstone.  I just wish he was with us and there was no need for a headstone at all.

Life Lessons (part 2)

January 12, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, silver lining, twins | 14 Comments
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“Today is the best day ever,” is a phrase the twins proclaim almost every day.  This week I asked what exactly makes it the best day ever. 

Day 1, we were in the carpool line and the teacher opened the car door.  At that moment one of the twins proceeded to get sick in the car and on himself.  His sister somehow managed to stay clean and went to school. 

I drove home, cleaned him and the car.   Our dryer had been broken so as I debated how best to clean the dirty clothes he announced, “This is the best day ever!”  Really!?  So, I asked him, what makes this the best day ever?  He laughed as he replied, “The water you gave me after I got sick.”

Day 2, we woke up to this:

After we left the pediatrician to go pick up the prescription for pink eye, he proclaimed, “This is the best day ever!”  I was so perplexed as to why he thought waking up with your eye glued shut and spending the morning at the doctor’s office was so fantastic.  I asked again, “Really, this is the best day ever?  What makes it the best?”  He excitedly answered, “I get to go to CVS!”

Day 3, I had been up most of the night with the twins because of coughing and pink eye.  They share a room so I decided to take one into the other room and hoped that everyone would get some sleep.  The other room was originally our guest room.  Then it was Sawyer’s room.  Now most of Sawyer’s things have been removed, the guest furniture is in the room and it is still light green we had it painted before Sawyer was born. 

I woke up in the morning and both twins were in the bed.  They were talking about how Sawyer thinks this is the best day ever.  I asked, “Why does Sawyer think this is the best day ever?”  They replied, “He is so happy to share his room with us.”

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them – Lawrence Welk

Memorials, Mickey & Moments

January 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, silver lining, twins | 12 Comments
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This week was Sawyer’s yahrzeit, the anniversary of the Hebrew date he died.  Evan and I lit a candle and said Kaddish (the prayer recited to honor the memory of those who have died).  My mom recently emailed me an article titled “Memory is a Blessing” which discusses the prayer. 

It is the responsibility of the Kaddish – the mourner – to keep alive the memory of the person who has died, to not forget and not to let others forget. . . .

Recite the prayer for him – yes – but also to remember – even if it hurts, even if it brings tears. To “be the Kaddish” is to be willing to talk about the person who has died, to tell stories and share memories even when it makes others uncomfortable.

During Sawyer’s yahrzeit, my parents so happened to take our family away on a vacation.  I am so thankful to my parents for such a wonderful trip. 

However, as a bereaved parent it feels wrong at times to have fun while also trying to grieve.  I know that I am alive and Sawyer is not.  It is complicated.  I want to be happy and live with the twins while honoring Sawyer and Jake. 

It is bittersweet. 

Here is some of the sweetness:

 

And here is some more:

And although Sawyer and Jake were not physically there they have left us their own sweetness.

By love they are remembered, and in memory they live. . .
Even when they are gone, the departed are with us. . .
We remember them now; they live in our hearts. . .
                                                                                          Rabbi Hannah Orden

 

Life Lessons

January 2, 2012 at 10:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, life lessons, silver lining | 9 Comments
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Here are a few of the things I have learned so far in life. I did not necessarily learn them in 2011 but now seems as good a time as any to share them.  Do you have any you would like to share? 

This list is not complete and will most likely be ongoing for the rest of my life.  They are in no particular order. . .

  1. When asked,  “How you are?”  Most of the time people just want to hear the response, “Fine” and go on with their day. 
  2. Hug more.  One of the twins loves to hug and be hugged all the time.  I will actually be hugging him and he will say, “Mama, I need a hug.”  I answer, “I am hugging you right now”.  He responds, “Hug more.”
  3. Look for rainbows.  
  4. Listen carefully.  The twins wanted gelt, the chocolate coins which are given out at Hanukkah.  However, they kept asking, “Is it time for Hanukkah guilt?”
  5. Music makes people happy. 
  6. Tutus also make people happy (see above).  And, apparently ties can be the reason for really big smiles.
  7. Sleep.  Grief (along with life in general) is exhausting. 
  8. Life can be heartbreaking, unfair and unexplainable.  No one ever promised any thing different.
  9. Treasure the moments – you are never sure just how many you will have.

 

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