The Unveiling

April 26, 2011 at 6:40 am | Posted in Death, Grief, traditions | 5 Comments
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Since ancient times, it has been the Jewish custom to mark the grave with a stone. After Rachel died, “Jacob erected a monument on Rachel’s grave” (Genesis 35:20). The marker/monument serves to identify the grave so relatives will find it when they visit, honor the memory of the deceased, and identify a place of burial.

It is also the Jewish custom not to place a headstone at the time of burial.  Instead an unveiling is the formal dedication of the headstone. The unveiling usually takes place 12 months after the funeral as a way to mark the end of the formal mourning period. However, the unveiling may take place any time after the first 30 days after the funeral.

June, 2006.  We had an unveiling for Jake 10 months after the funeral.  We made this decision in part because the Rabbi who presided at Jake’s funeral was moving back to California.  Evan and I both wanted the same Rabbi to preside over Jake’s unveiling.  So, Evan agonized over what to write on the headstone before ordering it.  He picked out the font and the border.  I was numb.  My mind did not seem to have the ability to think of anything to write on Jake’s headstone.  Evan did it all and then showed it to me.  We  finalized it and placed the order. 

We knew the headstone would come in a week or 2 before the ceremony was scheduled to take place.  I thought for some reason we would get a call to let us know it had arrived.  There was not a call.  I was still going almost every day to the cemetery.  Evan went with me sometimes and other times I went alone.  One day, we walked up the hill to Jake’s grave and there it was – his headstone.  It was covered with a sheer cloth.  The pit in my stomach which had been there for the past 9 months grew bigger.  We read the headstone over and over.  The dates were wrong.  The font was wrong.

Evan called the cemetery’s office and explained the mistakes.  They assured us that it would be corrected immediately. 

Our families arrived in town for the ceremony.  The day before the unveiling Evan and his mom went to the cemetery.  The sheer cloth was over the headstone.  They read it carefully – JACK.  Evan was beyond furious.  He and his mom went to the office.  The original wrong headstone was still there.  It at least had the right name so it was put back in for Jake’s unveiling.

I do not remember much about the ceremony.  I remember it was hot.  Our family and close friends were there.  Our 1-year-old niece and nephew were also with us and waddling around the cemetery. 

Today, 2011.  It is 16 months since Sawyer died.  In a few days it will be 16 months since his funeral.  We have not ordered a headstone.  We have no plans for an unveiling. Neither of us seem to have the ability to think of what to write on another headstone. I hope to write a post before the end of this year to tell you about Sawyer’s unveiling. . .

Why I Write

April 20, 2011 at 11:46 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining | 7 Comments
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I wrote on the About  page that I began this blog to hopefully assist others on their journeys and to continue the purpose of Jake and Sawyer’s lives.  Now that I have been writing for some time my purpose has become a little more clear.

Not many people met Sawyer and even fewer met Jake.  I feel like in writing about our two baby boys  more people are able to “meet” them.  I never want them to be forgotten.  I do not have to speak about them all the time.  I do not feel like I am keeping a wound open by writing about them.  Rather, I want to share their stories.  I want the twins to know their brothers.  I do not want to forget the details.

I am still not so clear on some of the other purposes I have for writing.  Maybe one day I will start a non-profit.  I have great admiration for bereaved parents who are very active in the March of Dimes and for these parents:

Friends of Maddie
Hailey’s Hope Foundation
Simon’s Fund
Cora’s Hopes and Dreams

Maybe one of the twins will grow up to be a real doctor.  Maybe one will find a cure for the cause of Jake and/or Sawyer’s death. 

Or maybe someone will read this blog and find something that will make their life some how easier.   If nothing else I am going to keep writing to help myself.  Sawyer and Jake are dead.  I am alive and I must keep on living.

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life.  It goes on.  ~Robert Frost

Sawyer’s Story (part 15): The Voicemail

April 10, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 Comments

On Sunday we were finally able to see Sawyer.  He was now at the funeral home.  A shomer was reading psalms beside his tiny casket.  Evan and I walked across the room and I knew that no matter how long I held Sawyer or how loudly I spoke to him he was not going to wake up.  We knelt beside his casket and tried anyway.  We begged, we pleaded and we cried.  He was so very still. 

My arms ached to hold Sawyer.  Matt, the funeral home director had told me the day before that I may not want to hold Sawyer.  He told me what I already knew – bodies change after death.  Evan had decided that he was not going to hold Sawyer again.  He wanted to remember the feeling of holding Sawyer when he was alive.  I was not sure yet that I could accept that 10:45 pm on Friday was the last time I would hold our baby boy.  I did not hold him on Sunday.  Evan and I agreed that I would think about holding Sawyer and if I decided I wanted to I could on Monday.

Matt had also told us that we should not remove Sawyer’s hat or any of his clothing.  Sawyer’s body had in fact arrived on Saturday but they needed time to get him ready for us to see him.   I wanted so badly to touch his hair, his toes, his stomach.  I could not. 

My mind continued to search frantically for a reason that Sawyer could have died.  I thought also about what had happened to Sawyer since that time we had seen him in the ER.  We had been told that he was brought to the Fulton County Medical Examiner’s office.  Who examined him?  What did they do to him that I could no longer look at his body or even touch his hair?

I am not sure how long we stayed with Sawyer but eventually we went home.   The twins, my parents, Uncle Zach, the dogs and a voicemail were waiting for us when we arrived.  The voicemail was from the medical examiner.   She had called with some preliminary information from the autopsy.  I hung up the phone and immediately called the number she had left in the message.  Someone picked up the phone immediately.  It was an operator.  The doctor who had called had just left.  I should try again tomorrow. . .

Telling the Twins part 2

April 4, 2011 at 1:14 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 8 Comments
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Evan and I have tried our best to explain to the twins that Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom are dead.  It is hard to tell what actually is going on in their 3 1/2 year-old minds.  However, every once in a while they give us some insight into what they are comprehending.  The other week they came home from school and announced that one of their teachers had died. 

“Are you sure?” I asked.

They both answered, “Yes, she was not at school today or last day (yesterday).  She died.” 

I quickly tried to reassure them, “She is probably on vacation or home sick.”  They both look as if a light bulb just went off in their little minds. 

They both happily clarify, “Yes, that is it.  She got sick and then she died.”

You will all be happy to know that their preschool teacher is alive and well.  She went to a wedding and is back at school.  Evan and I clearly have some more explaining about death to do. . .

In my next attempt I am going to tell them the following story:

Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children” by Doris Stickney
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.”Look!” said one of the water bugs to another. “One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?” Up, up, up it slowly went….Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…

“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another. “Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. “I have an idea”. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.”

“We promise”, they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings…The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: “The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why.” Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…

“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least, I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air……. 

 
 
 

 

Waterbug 1

Waterbug 2

 

 

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