A Mourning Mom

Sawyer’s Story (part 9): The ER

In the hallway of the emergency room I did not know what to do.  I stared at the door willing myself to be on the other side of it with Sawyer.  I thought Evan was driving right behind the ambulance so I did not understand where he was.  I later found out he jumped in the car and followed the ambulance.  However, when Evan got to a main street he realized he did not have his glasses on.  He did not have his contacts in his eyes either.  He drove back home to get his glasses. 

Meanwhile, I continued to cry in the hall.  The ER nurses and doctors were going about their business.  They were doing their jobs.   I kept thinking, “How can they possibly be going on with their lives when something is very wrong with Sawyer?” 

My cell phone rang.  It was my brother.  He told me that he was taking our parents to the airport.   I told him I hoped to call him back soon to let him know that Sawyer was fine.

Time seemed to stand still.  Why had I not heard back from the doctor?  Where was Evan?  The hospital chaplain came to talk to me.  I knew what this meant.  The hospital chaplain came to talk to Evan and me 5 years earlier.  They came to talk to us about Jake.  I could not talk to the hospital chaplain that night in the ER.  I walked away.  I might have said something but I do not remember. 

I called one of my oldest and closest friends.  I knew it was 4 something in the morning but I called anyway.   I remembered she told me she had gotten up the day after Thanksgiving to go shopping at an extremely early hour.  She answered and offered to come to the hospital.  I thanked her but said no.  I hoped to call her back soon to tell her everyone was fine. 

Evan finally arrived.  I had nothing to tell him.  No one had given me any updates.  The hospital chaplain was back.  This time she took us to a room.  I am  not sure how long Evan and I were in that room.  Eventually, a doctor came to talk to us.  He told us they were doing everything they could but Sawyer was not responding.  He said he would be back with another update.

I paced and every once in a while I sat on the floor.  Evan asked me to sit next to him on the couch.  I tried but I could not sit still. 

The doctor returned.  He said the words I could not believe we were hearing again.  “Your son is dead.”

Little Angel

We were given an angel to cherish and love. 

So tiny, so perfect, a gift from above.

When we looked at his face it was calmness we found

And that peace seemed to spread to all he was around.

His love touched our hearts like fine threads of spun gold

And we thanked G-d for giving us this angel to hold.

But we did not know then that time was our foe

And too soon, with a whisper, our angel would go.

Our hearts almost breaking, a touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt as it coursed down our face. 

We still have our angel to cherish and love.

Those gold threads now shimmer from Heaven above.

And though we can’t see him or cuddle him tight,

We won’t say goodbye, Little Angel, goodnight.

                                                – Author unknown