No more NICU

November 28, 2010 at 4:56 pm | Posted in father, mother, NICU, transient tachypnea | 6 Comments

Evan went to the NICU first.  He reported that it was not at all like with Jake.  There were no huge machines hooked up to our baby.  In fact, he was the biggest baby in there.  I just wanted him back in our room – back in my arms.  

It was time to feed him so Evan wheeled me to the NICU.  It was a trip I had made many times before to see a different baby boy.   I choked back the tears.  Inside the NICU it looked the same.  The isolates, the nurses, the babies and our baby boy.  I knew he was a different baby boy but it was all too similar.  The room was hot and it began to spin.  I got sick and begged Evan to wheel me back to my room.  

In the hospital room I cried and tried to pull myself together.  Evan stayed in the NICU and would come back to the room to give me reports.  All the reports were good.  We were told that often once a baby is admitted to the NICU the baby will usually stay until it is time for the baby and the mom to go home.  I pumped and sent milk to the NICU.  I worried about not bonding with the baby.  I worried about not being able to name the baby.  I worried about not being a good enough mother.

The next day I worked up the courage to return to the NICU.  It was still hot.  The room still was spinning but I was able to feed our baby boy.  Bridget, Jake’s NICU nurse, was working that day.  She was not Sawyer’s nurse but she came over to talk to us.  We had not seen her since the morning Jake had died.  It was comforting to see her.  She had recently had a child of her own.  She told us how often she thought of Jake.  Bridget looked at our new baby and as she spoke about him I knew that this was different.  This baby was not Jake.  He would not stay in the NICU for long.  However, I still did get sick as soon as I got back to my hospital room.

The next day our baby boy was brought back to our room.  And we named him, Sawyer Brady.

I am Sawyer

Looking back now maybe this was Sawyer’s way of letting us know that everything was not perfect.  Maybe he was trying to prepare us for what was to come.

Thanksgiving

November 25, 2010 at 10:04 pm | Posted in Death, silver lining | 10 Comments
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Last Thanksgiving we had just brought Sawyer home (I will go back and finish writing his story, I promise).  This Thanksgiving is bittersweet.  I suppose every day is bittersweet but holidays and anniversaries can be harder.   

I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives.  I am certain that I would not be able to get through these days alone.

I am thankful for our silly twins and their father.  

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I am very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer.  However, there has always been more – I have had a feeling of gratitude that I have not been able to articulate since Jake passed away.  It is very hard to be grateful that your son (or now in our case sons) have died.  The feeling that I want to describe is that I have been so thankful that Jake and Sawyer never knew the hardships which life can bring.  I would give anything to have had them experience more of life than they did.  I was not successful with making that bargain.  Instead, I find comfort and I am thankful that all they ever knew in their too short lives was love.

Sawyer’s Story (part 2)

November 23, 2010 at 9:38 pm | Posted in father, mother, NICU, parents, pregnancy, transient tachypnea | 6 Comments

The morning of November 17th we drove to the hospital.   It was all going according to plan – we had even packed a bag.  The previous two emergency c-sections Evan had to leave the hospital to go get our things.  

It took a few times for the doctors to get the epidural correct but before we knew it I was being wheeled into the operating room.  I remember the doctors calmly talking about their day during my c-section.  There were three people in the operating room with me and Evan.  In contrast,  Jake and the twin’s birth were both crowded and far from calm.  At 1:52 our beautiful perfect baby boy was born.  

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We all went to the recovery room together.   I could not help but to think back to the recovery room after Jake was born.   Evan and I were there without our baby.  We did not know if we would ever see Jake alive again.   Now, here we were holding our full term 8 lb, 1 oz. baby boy.   Not only could we both hold him but I was able to feed him.

We all left recovery and went to our hospital room together.   I did not want to let go of him.   Two hours after being back in the hospital room I tried to feed him again.   His color seemed to change.   We asked a nurse to come in the room and take a look at him.   She said that she needed to take him to the nursery to check him out.   The nurse came back a few minutes later to tell us that he was being admitted to the NICU for transient tachypnea.

My brain could not process what was happening.   Our baby (who still had no name at this point) was perfect.   He was a full term baby.  He was 8 pounds!  Jake was 14 weeks early so of course he would go to the NICU.   I had even thought there would be a good chance the twins would go to the  NICU.   How could our full term singleton possibly be in the NICU?    

Several doctors and nurses explained to me that transient tachypnea was very common.   It is extra fluid in the baby’s lungs which would normally be squeezed out when the baby went through the birth canal.   During a c-section there is no squeezing so the fluid was still there.   I heard the words but it still did not make any sense to me.  This could not possibly be happening.

Sawyer’s Story

November 21, 2010 at 9:36 am | Posted in NICU, parents, pregnancy | 4 Comments
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Notes: 

1.  Thank you for the birthday wishes for Sawyer and for thinking of us.   It means more than I can express in words.  

2.  I am not sure I will be able to write all of Sawyer’s story but I will try.    I had hoped to write in chronological order but as I already mentioned in this post – that plan has changed.  

I had high risk pregnancies with Jake and the twins.   Once you are high risk you seem to stay that way.   So, like the first two pregnancies we went to OB and perinatologist appointments.    However, unlike the first two pregnancies, this time the doctors all said the same thing.   “Everything looks perfect.”   The appointments were shorter because the baby was always doing great and within normal ranges.   We had many ultrasounds all of which showed our perfect baby.

The c-section date was set at 37 1/2 weeks.    It was a bit early to reduce the risk of going into labor.   As I mentioned in this post, I had a slight vertical incision and a horizontal incision during Jake’s c-section.   Once you have a vertical incision doctors don’t like you to go into labor (because of the possibility of your uterus rupturing).

I did go into early labor at the end of October.   We went to the emergency room.   I was given shots of Turbutiline to slow the contractions down.   We spent the night at the hospital.  In the morning I was released and given Turbutiline pills to keep the contractions under control.  Everyone assured us that this was very common.  It seemed to work.  I just felt like I had 18 cups of coffee while I took those pills.   It is not a feeling I was very fond of but I desperately did not want a premature birth (or a visit to the NICU).

November 16 arrived and I was still pregnant!   We went that morning for a scheduled amniocentesis to doublecheck  that the baby’s lungs were fully developed.   Later that afternoon the results came back that the baby’s lungs looked great.

My parents were taking care of the twins while we were in the hospital.   I had never been away from them for that long.   At the suggestion of our therapist ( who we had been seeing since Jake) I wrote them each notes for every night I would be gone.    Evan also taped me reading stories to play them at bed time.   I was packed and cleaned the house.   It was all so very different  from the chaos of the two previous emergency c-sections.   All was going along perfectly as we hoped and planned.

Happy Birthday

November 17, 2010 at 7:18 am | Posted in Grief | 17 Comments
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Today would have been Sawyer’s first birthday.   Or, more accurately it is his first birthday but he is not here to sing to and hug.  I have so many unanswered questions.

  1. Would he have blue or brown eyes?
  2. What would he look like now?
  3. Would he have been walking?
  4. What would have been his first word?
  5. Would he throw his cake on the floor like his brother?  Or, would he dive right into it like his sister?
  6. Why did Sawyer have to leave us so soon?

I will never know.  These and so many other questions will remain unanswered.  

However, I do know that I will always love and miss him.  

Sawyer, somehow I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. 

Happy Birthday sweet baby boy. 

Sawyer

P.S.  I do hope one day the results from the Mayo clinic study will help me to better understand at least medically why Sawyer died. 

Time can be Tricky (part 2)

November 14, 2010 at 11:02 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 Comments

“Time heals all wounds.”    Really, does it?   If it does, how much time?   It has been 5 years since Jake died and I am not healed.   Time certainly has changed my wounds but they are not gone.    Keeping busy helped me to live in a world without Jake.  The grief and the sadness were still always there but have become a part of me.   The twins brought and continue to bring happiness to my life but it does not take away the loss.  

Sawyer’s death in December, 2009 was not only devastating for the mere fact of losing Sawyer but it reopened the wounds from Jake’s death.   The pain of losing Sawyer is so excruciating at times that I cannot let myself think about it.   I put it away in a box and do not take it out.     I live in my land of denial and keep myself busy.   Toddler twins don’t leave too much free time so, often it is not a problem to stay in the land of denial.   I know that time will change this.   I will leave the land of denial more frequently and maybe one day I will not return to it.   However, it is impossible for me to believe there will come a time that I will be healed from losing my baby boys.   

As I wrote in this post, I try to stay present.   I repeat to myself  “remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present.”  It is just extremely difficult at times because the present does not include Sawyer or Jake.

Time can be Tricky

November 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 6 Comments

One of the 40 definitions of time according to Webster’s dictionary is ” a moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar.”

Time can be a very tricky thing.  I clearly remember periods of my life when I wanted to rush time.  When I was 15 I could hardly wait to turn 16 so that I could get my driver’s license.  Last year at this time I again, wanted time to move quickly.  I could not wait to meet our new baby.  

Now all I want is for time to stop.  I do not want Sawyer’s first birthday to arrive.  There will not be a first birthday party this weekend or next.  We are not ordering a cake to place in front of Sawyer to see what he will do with it.  We are just further in time from when I last held him in my arms.  I hope to always remember that feeling but time is constantly making it more distant.  The sound of his cry is slowly becoming a memory.  

Daylight saving time gave us one extra hour before Sawyer’s birthday.  However, one more hour will not help for long.  I know that time will move on and it will be next week before I know it.  

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. – Author Unknown

I  believe that I will see Sawyer and Jake one day (although as I wrote about in this post I am not always clear on my religious beliefs since Sawyer died).  I do not know for sure but perhaps time is taking me closer to when I will hold Jake and Sawyer again.  One thing I do know for certain is that there is no better way to spend time than with the twins and their dad.

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Next Steps (2006)

November 8, 2010 at 7:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 1 Comment

January, 2006 made me realize I needed help.   We were already in therapy.   My family and friends could not help me.  I needed to help myself.  I had to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.

I very slowly came up with a plan.   My plan had several steps.  It would be revised, it would change and evolve.   (In December of 2009 it would be shattered)

1.   I needed to look for a full-time job.   Running my own business was not working.   I could not keep myself organized.  I could not concentrate.   I just wanted to wake up, get dressed and go to the same place every day. 

2.  Evan and I needed to find a support group.   Support groups were suggested to us several times.   However, up till this point I was not able to handle anyone else’s sad story.   I could barely deal with our own.   Now, I needed to see how other parents got up every morning after their child (or children) had died.

3.  The most frightening part of the plan – we started to talk about trying to have another baby.

Excerpt from Thoughts on Becoming a Mother (read at the 2006 Atlanta Walk to Remember)
 
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that G-d leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
 
I am a better wife,
a better aunt,
a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister
because I have known pain.
 
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
 
So now when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
 
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
 
I have learned to appreciate life.
 
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
– Author Unknown

Costco and Confusing Conversations

November 4, 2010 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, pregnancy, silver lining | 10 Comments

2 for 1

A new Costco opened near our house.   I took the twins shopping there the other day.   I put them into the cart.   As I pushed them along, I saw a family who used to be in our Gymboree class.  The mother and I were pregnant at the same time last year.  Our due dates were a few weeks apart.  

She was holding her 11 month old daughter.   She looked at me and she was trying to remember how she knew me.   She asked “Do I know you from music class?”.   I thought about running the other way but decided to just tell her that we were from her 3-year-old son’s Gymboree class.    She said “Right, we were both pregnant last fall.   Smart of you to leave the baby at home.”  

In my mind, I quickly go through the scenarios.    If I had responded with the following:

1.  “Yes, Sawyer is happily at home.   I have to go now so I can get home in time to feed him.”   She would wave goodbye and walk away with her baby.

2.  “No, Sawyer is not at home.    He passed away.”   She would also wave goodbye and walk away with her baby.

As desperately as I want to come home and feed Sawyer, I know it is not my reality.   I took a deep breath and calmly explained that he was not at home.   He had died.

Earlier this week we had another confusing conversation:

A woman was speaking to me and the twins in passing.   She mentioned her 1-year-old son.   As I wrote in this post the twins love babies.  The twins excitedly tell her about their baby brother.   I quietly explain that their brother passed away.

The woman then said to the twins,  “You will see your brother again.”

Smiling the twins quickly reply, “We see Sawyer now.  We bring him flowers.”

The woman tries again, “Well, he is in a better place.”

The twins answer, “Yes – we send him balloons.”

At this point, I walk away and the twins follow.   My head hurts.   I don’t know what to say to the twins or to the women in these conversations.   How do I explain what I do not understand?  Maybe I should just stay home.

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